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Ok, so you've decided to make that big step, to finally achieve the ultimate Otaku dream... to become an anime character. You're prepared. You put your mundane affairs in order, packed, said your good-byes, picked your universe, translated your currency, took a crash course in Japanese and have your mousse and hair dye ready to turn you into Ensign Wildhair. But unless you are a truly hard core otaku, there are some things you should keep in mind as you venture off into that wild, primary colored universe:
1) Money.
Be sure to have lots of it. Not only are there a nigh infinite amount of people who are gonna help you part with it (and you'll never notice it in the first place), keep in mind that the insurance rates tend to skyrocket at a moment's notice. This is particularly true for Tomobiki-cho, the Nerima ward, Macross Island, old Buddhist shrines, most of Tokyo, esp. Shinjuku and other famous areas.
2Just throw out any science textbooks you have.
None of it's going to work normally anyhow.
Exception: Save any books you have on chemistry. You never know when you're going to have to construct explosives from household items. Either for blowing up something nasty, or blowing a hole in the wall(See Numbers 14, 16, and 26), make sure to mix up some asap.
3)People tend to come in various personality types, body types and hair colors.
Just remember that if they start bulging or glowing blue, red, white or any other color, or begin bleeding profusely, see Number 16. Unless of course the person in question is bleeding through the nose in which case you may want to make a discrete check of your clothing (or lack there of).
4)Be nice. To everybody.
Many people tend to have a nasty tendency to carry grudges to the grave. Specifically, yours. And they'll come back yearly just to do the Meposian Dance of Joy on it. Besides, nothing bad ever happens to Kasumi or Belldany, does it?
5) Always read the fine print.
Particularly when dealing with mysterious old strangers who sell you old and wondrous magical items.
6) Puzzle Boxes are hard to open for a REASON!!!
(Oops, that's supposed to go under Horror Movie Survival Tips)
7) Within minutes of establishing yourself in your new home, check the local constabulary.
If there's a profound lack of them, you may wish to consider moving. It tends to mean that the area gets demolished at least once a week.
8) Choosing your House
When choosing your house, bear in mind that aliens, demons, monsters, Intergalactic Overlords and Really Big Nasty Things With Tentacles tend to show up in Tokyo first. Adjust your domicile appropriately.
9) Get training in martial arts as soon as humanly possible.
Preferably ones that specialize in ki-attacks, leaping impossibly high and surviving incredibly huge amounts of corporeal damage. You may wind up having to deal with your teachers, rivals, and fiancees as soon as you step in the door, but at least your survival chances will rise marginally above "Butterfly in front of a speeding Mack Truck"
10) At some point you may find someone you're attracted to.
Be very careful when attempting to gain this person's affections. They may well be either married, engaged, stupid beyond all possible tolerance, an alien, an android, a member of the same sex, a ghost, a deity of some form or another, or have all other members of the opposite sex after them. Note that this final situation may well be more dangerous than the previous ones as the aforementioned members of the opposite sex tend to be violently possessive of said love object.
11 ) Dating
When dating, keep in mind that you are now in an anime world and dress appropriately. Remember, running shoes, personal force-fields and hardsuits are never out of fashion.
12) Murphy's Law
Again, while dating, Murphy's Law will be in full effect and any and all negative possibilities in the Universe will be centered on you. In the worst cases (most of which are 90% likely to occur, particularly on an important date), be prepared to make a speedy exit, leaving a human-shaped hole in the wall if necessary. If your date truly cares about you, they'll understand. Note the corollary guidelines: Numbers 1, 3, 4, 8 and 9.
13) There is no number 13.
It's bad luck. Move on.
14) Relationship
Before entering a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, you may wish to make sure that (s)he does not have: a demon side-kick/slave a yen (heh) for poisons, floral arrangements and rhythmic gymnastics, a tendency to electrify/blast people for any reason whatsoever, supernatural powers of any sort, an appetite to put Rosanne to shame, fiancees of any gender/race, incompatible biological functions (don't ask), or a curse (note: When in doubt, perform the classic cold water/hot water test)
15) Magic works.
Especially black magic. Especially black magic that's intended for summoning the Big Nasty Things With Tentacles mentioned in guideline number 8.
16) Always know where the exits are.
Be prepared to make one if necessary, even if it means breaking through a wall and leaving a human shaped hole. Remember, bruises fade, bones heal and a brief trip to the local witch-doctor is infinitely preferable to a sucking chest wound.
17) Shinto Wards
Shinto wards (or just about any other spell from any other religion/magic system) will not work on any monster/demon larger than a mean grasshopper, though if the ward is strong enough it can slow the demon down, thus relating to Number 16.
18) Female Attraction
Nearly all demons, dragons, evil sorcerers, aliens and all other malevolent supernatural beings like nubile, young females. Really like them. Avoid being one if at all possible. If you are, make sure to stock up extra on Shinto Wards and extra items covered in Number 19.
19) Basic Survival
Some basic survival equipment that you may wish to aquire, either before or after your successful entrance into the Anime Universe of your choice:
A book of magic spells (preferably a copy of the Necronomicon); Holy Disruption Sword of Demon Bane +5; Tentacle-Proof Overcoat; Alien Girl/Boyfriend with incredible supernatural powers (be careful in your choices. Check guideline number 14.); Wand of Teleportation (See Number 16); Hot Water (you never know); Portable Hole, for carrying around all these items (also see Number 16); Life Insurance. As much as humanly possible; Mecha. Be sure to upgrade frequently and don't be stingy with the cash.; Bandages. Lots and lots of bandages must be on hands at ALL times. You never know where the next attack will come from.
20) Normal Sex
If you plan on having normal human sex you might want to consider not going. If the opportunity of a sexual encounter does present itself however, try not to let any black dots, white splotches, mosaics or pixellations pose too much of a distraction.
21) Finding Women
You will also find that women between the ages of 16 and 45 are rare to non-existent. Adjust your tastes and expectations accordingly. And remember, save it for thursday.
22) Falling In Love
If you happen to fall in love with someone in an anime universe expect every obstacle you can imagine (and quite a few you can't) to be thrown in your path to True Happiness. This can be anything from family opposition to demon possession to invading alien fleets seeking their long lost queen. Develop patience. Remember also that anything (and I mean anything) can fall head over heels in love with you. This could be a person of the same sex, a demon, a demon of the same sex, an alien, an alien of the same sex, a super computer or that odd looking tree down the block. Remember that the further from human whatever falls in love with you is, the more jealous and possessive it will be of you. And it will usually have strong supernatural powers which it will freely use to protect you from "interlopers".
23) Mermaid Flesh
Don't eat mermaid flesh. Period. It may be delicious and nutritious, the problems that arise with it are not worth one meal.
24) Rest Of Your Life
Expect to spend the rest of your life in either junior high or high school. There is an upside. Your english skills will make you very popular. Once you become of a venerable age, you may be accepted into a Junior College, but you will die of old age before you graduate.
25) Your Anime Universe
Just because you've picked one particular anime universe to live in doesn't necessarily mean you'll stay there. Try to stay away from Tokyo Tower. It appears to mark an inter-universal nexus.
One more danger of living in an anime world is both obvious, and hidden at the same time: The constant threat of having a ninja-to thrust into a vital organ. Just because you did not see any ninjas in an anime and you have moved into that world, does NOT mean that there were no ninjas in it. What that means is the ninjas were trained much better than in other anime. If your friend suddenly dissapears without a trace, it was the ninjas. If you cannot find your car keys, it was the ninjas. If you're flying through space on your NX-4000 shuttle ship and suddenly the klaxon starts blaring, the ninjas snuck on board when you were taking off. In all seriousness, if anything goes wrong, anything at all, the most common answer to your problem is ... well... there is no easy solution to Ninjas. Even if you manage to catch one, he'll either kill you immediately or his six thousand ninja partners hiding in random spots amongst a thirty mile radius will immediately know if he has failed his mission, and ALL of them will come after you. The best thing you can do is let the ninjas do what they want. Though, killing at least twenty per cent of their forces in the local area will earn you respect and possibly an entry level position within their ranks.
Disclaimer
We, the Crackhead Otakus, do not own or claim any rights to the charactors or series they come from, as well as any images, musics or multimedia. They belong to their respective creators and distribution companies. We built this site to celebrate them, not make a profit off them. All the characters, series, etc are not ours unless otherwise noted.
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