Oh My Evangelion! 
Part II: Things Get Worse
(Welcome to Part Two of "Oh My Evangelion," yet another fine work of Stormwind Graphics. Sit back, grab a cup of LCL, and read on! Oh, and thanks for the reviews.)
Dead silence reigned throughout the control room. Shigeru looked over at a very pale Ritsuko. "Er…that's bad, isn't it?" Ritsuko's mouth opened, no sound came out, and she shook her head. Shigeru noticed that Commander Ikari was gone, with only a fluttering of paper in his wake.
The truth was, Gendo had moved at near light speeds to reach his office. There, he rapidly called up his online copy of the Dead Sea Scrolls. To his horror, there was nothing in it that said anything about a Goddess. Futsuyuki arrived, panting heavily--he was getting too old for this. Gendo, despite a rapidly developing case of the galloping screaming memees, composed himself and assumed his normal position. "What does it mean?" Futsuyuki said when he caught his breath.
"It means that this Belldandy may or may not be a threat. She may actually be very, very sneaky. She has, after all, defeated two of our pilots and may be subverting the Third Child."
"Are you certain that you're not just making this up?" Futsuyuki would not be surprised. After all, Gendo had been known to cheat in college, and he had certainly told some whoppers to Yui.
"Certainly not. Everything is still going to plan," Gendo lied.
"Then what should we do? Shinji can't keep her occupied for too long by doing his Julia Child impression. And we will have to contact SEELE at some point."
Gendo mused on that a moment. "If Belldandy is indeed a Goddess, then having her this close to Central Dogma is a danger. We cannot allow her to initiate Third Impact." Not yet, anyway, Gendo added to himself. "We should observe her." He thought frantically of a place to do so. Keeping her at NERV was out of the question. Sending her someplace where SEELE could get to her was likewise not a good idea. There had to be somewhere that was secure, where she could be monitored effectively, and if it became necessary, eliminated. If assassination had to take place, Gendo knew he could not rely on Kaji to do it, mainly because Kaji was far more likely to try his luck with Belldandy than kill her. Then he smiled slightly, remembering.
"Commander?" Futsuyuki asked. When Gendo smiled these days, it was usually a bad thing.
"We will put her with Major Katsuragi. Between her presence and that of the Second and Third Children, we should be able to keep her under control. And when the next Angel attacks, we will use her and see where her true alleigiances lie." Besides, Gendo thought, we can test my theory about Yebisu beer.
 
"You can't be serious!" Misato yelled. "Good God, Subcommander, she's already seriously screwed up Rei's head-Rei's been asking me all sorts of weird questions since. And Asuka, Asuka's curled up in a corner crying for her brummbar or something."
"Has Shinji found out anything new?" Futsuyuki asked.
"Oh, yes," Maya Ibuki chirped. She looked at a clipboard. "Let's see…how to make ramen taste better, a better kind of miso soup-I can't wait to try that-"
I left the University why? Futsuyuki wondered silently. "I meant besides recipes."
"Other than Belldandy seems to have been a telemarketer or something and is in love with some guy named Keiichi, no, sir."
"We've already been running a check through MAGI for someone named Keiichi. So far, we've turned up about 200 matches in Tokyo-3 alone," Ritsuko reported. "This could take awhile." She turned to Misato. "Having Belldandy in your apartment could work to our advantage, Major. With the presence of the two children, yourself, and Pen Pen, we could even bring Belldandy to our side. She could be a valuable weapon against the Angels."
"Sure, unless she's one herself!" Misato glared at Futsuyuki. "I suppose Commander Ikari ordered this." At the subcommander's nod, she pouted. "All right, but NERV is footing the bill." She looked at the monitor, where Belldandy and Shinji were talking animatedly. "At least she can cook."
* * *
Japan's weather service noted some strange weather patterns. For one thing, it was snowing around Tokyo-3, with the temperature dropping. This was unusual for the perpetual summer that Japan found itself with after Second Impact, but given the chaotic weather patterns of the Earth after that cataclysmic event, the weather service merely issued a travel advisory. It did not notify NERV, who had given the weather service the cold shoulder (no pun intended) more than once: the weather staff figured that, if Commander Gendo Ikari wanted to know about the snow, he could damn well open a window.
The other strange effect that the weather service noted was the sudden appearance of ball lightning just north of Tokyo-3. This they did pass on to NERV, but the staff was generally busy. Since there were no blue patterns associated with the lightning, it was ignored. The lightning disappeared quickly enough.
Had someone gone to investigate, they would have found…exactly nothing. The Greatest Scientist in the Universe had long ago learned how to cover her tracks. 
As Washu walked towards the road leading into Tokyo-3 from the north, she looked upwards. "Hmm. Snow. Unusual for this time of year. I wonder if I caused that. Oh, well." She shrugged. In her years at the university, Washu had also learned how to travel cheaply and efficiently. When she reached the side of the road, she stuck her thumb out.
Luckily, she did not have long to wait. She had not exactly dressed for the weather. A truck carrying watermelons pulled slowly to the side of the road, and the driver opened the door. He was old, weatherbeaten, and had a cowboy hat perched on his head. "Hey there, little lady," the driver smiled. "Bit young to be out here all alone, aren't ya?"
Washu instantly splayed her eyes open as wide as they would go, and assumed her Awfully Cute pose. "I'm sorry, kind sir, but I was out visiting my sick grandmother and it started to snow. Can you give me a lift into town? I can pay."
"Don't worry about it, missy. Just hop on in here; it's only a few kilometers." Washu climbed into the cab, carefully put her backpack on the floorboard, and closed the door. The driver pulled back onto the highway. He made small talk with Washu as they reached the outskirts of the city. Washu noticed a sign reading WELCOME TO TOKYO-3, HOME OF NERV. GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN, AND YOU ARE HERE. An arrow pointed to a map underneath the sign.
"What's NERV?" Washu asked.
The driver looked at her strangely. "You're not from around here, are ya?"
"No, we live in the mountains in southern Honshu. We don't get much outside news."
"Weird. Well, kid, NERV is the head honcho in Tokyo-3. They protect us from the Angels, y'know, and pretty much run the place." He pointed ahead to where a group of skyscrapers rose into the clouds. "Their spread is somewhere under all that. We don't ask too many questions about NERV 'round here."
Washu nodded. If NERV ran everything, then chances were good that it was where she wanted to go to find out her answers. 
"Yeah, them kids that pilot those EVA things, they-" The driver was cut off as a car suddenly swerved across two lanes of traffic, including his, to make the next exit. He bellowed an oath that reddened even Washu's ears, and slammed on the brakes. Luckily, the snow was not sticking to the highways much, and the driver avoided an accident by mere meters. Washu's backpack rolled forward slightly, and there was another tiny spark. 
"Damn Renault Alpines," the driver growled. "Somebody buys a sports car and they think they're immortal. Sorry, kid. You okay? You look a little pale or somethin'."
"I'm all right. Drop me off at the next exit, please." Washu desperately wanted to look at the control sphere for the Time-Space Machine, and she wondered what had happened now.
* * *
Rei sat on her bed, naked except for a towel over her back. She was nude for three reasons: she had just taken a shower, she was in the privacy of her own apartment, and, as every otaku worth his or her manga collection knows, there must be fanservice even in a text-based parody. She lay on her stomach, her head on her hands, idly kicking her legs over the end of her bed.
The events of the day had disturbed her. She had cried before, though only Commander Ikari knew that: once after one too many insults from Asuka, once during a sudden explosion of rage from Comander Ikari, and once when Shinji had accidentally dropped a wrench on her foot. Still, the romance between the Angel Belldandy and this Keiichi had touched emotions she did not even know she possessed. Once she had stopped crying, which had not been very long after seeing Asuka bawling (justice was indeed sweet, Rei mused), she had asked Major Katsuragi about love and such things. The major had grumpily advised her that love was something unshaven wannabe spies used to get into women's beds, which had further confused Rei. As she waited for Ritsuko to drive her home, Rei had asked Maya if she knew anything on the subject. After Maya had picked herself up off the floor, she had run off. When she returned, she had pressed several DVDs into Rei's arms and advised her to watch them.
Rei looked at the DVD boxes again. She did not watch television very much, and when she did, it was usually only the Discovery Channel or CNN. She certainly did not watch anime. Nonetheless, this Sailor Moon did intrigue her, and she was learning something about love.
There was a buzz at her door. Rei sighed, paused the DVD, put on a robe (she had learned her lesson after the incident with Shinji), and walked to the door. Opening it, she was confronted by a girl someone shorter than herself, dressed in a uniform of some type, with skin and hair not unlike Rei's, except her hair was drawn up into two long pigtails-not unlike Sailor Moon's. Rei blinked, but said, "Hello. May I help you?"
The girl looked her up and down and said nothing, though her unsmiling mouth left little doubt what she was thinking. After a long silence, she said, "Have you seen…no, I suppose you have not."
Rei said nothing: "…"
The girl said nothing: "…"
After a silence that stretched for about three minutes, the girl smiled slightly and said, "Pardon me for bothering you, miss."
"It is no trouble. It was pleasant speaking with you." Rei shut the door as the girl turned to leave. As she did so, she thought she had heard the words "what have those Nergal idiots done now" being spoken. She opened the door again, but the girl was nowhere to be seen.
Rei resolved that she would no longer think her life to be strange. She went back to watching Maya's DVDs, dropping her robe on the way, thereby insuring that half the population will continue to read this story.
* * *
Washu, having reached an abandoned building where she could safely examine the control sphere, wiped her brow. This time, she had fixed the connection properly, rather than the rush job she had done in her lab at Tenchi's. There had been another inadvertent rip in the time-space continuum, but she had repaired the damage, and was reasonably sure that, if someone had been sucked through, they had been returned to whence they came.
She called up her computer. There was too much interference because of the snow, so she could not get a lock on Belldandy's signature. Peorth is getting my help whether she likes it or not, Washu thought indignantly. She then noticed the time in the upper left hand corner of her screen. "Getting a bit late. I suppose I'll check around tomorrow." Using the portable hole in her backpack, she quickly pulled out a tent, heating unit, remote defense system, and one all-purpose mini-fridge. She reached in and smiled. "Ah, Sasami, you are my friend. Pocky, my favorite."
* * *
Under normal circumstances, Misato would have apologized for the mess in her apartment. She did not entertain often-the only guests she usually had were Kaji and Ritsuko. Shinji had been busy lately, so there had not been time to clean up much. Asuka, of course, had found ways to pawn off her chores on Shinji. The end result was the apartment looked like EVA-01 had walked through it, dropped to all fours, and wallowed in it like a dog in a cow pie.
However, Misato disliked Belldandy, so she made no apology for the mess. She simply tossed her keys on the table, reached into the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and fixed Belldandy with a murderous glare. "There are a few rules in this house, Miss Belldandy," she snarled. "First: attempt to hurt me, Asuka, Shinji, or Pen-Pen, and I'll shoot you. Second: drink any of my beer, and I'll shoot you. Third: do not leave the apartment or I'll hunt you down and shoot you. Fourth: wipe that smile off your face, or I'll shoot you. Fifth…" Misato paused. "Well, I can't think of a fifth right now, but I'll let you know if I do. Plop down anywhere you can find five vacant feet." With that, Misato took a drink of her beer, walked into her room, and slammed the door.
Asuka also gave Belldandy a particularly nasty look, mumbled something in German about needing to talk to Herr Bear, walked to her room, and slammed the door.
Belldandy turned to look at Shinji. "I'm sorry," he said automatically.
"Why? It's not your fault." She smiled at him, turning Shinji's knees to water. "These Angels must be terrible things for you to hate them so much."
"Um, yeah. Er, would you like something to eat?"
"Yes, I am a little hungry. I can prepare it."
"No, that's okay. I like to cook. I can whip up something really quick."
Belldandy nodded. "All right." She walked past the table. "May I use your phone?"
"Uh, sure-"
Misato stuck her head out of her door. "Use the phone, and I'll shoot you."
Belldandy looked back. "Major Katsuragi, I assure you I won't do anything-"
"I mean it!" Misato yelled, and shut her door.
Belldandy sat down heavily. She had to contact Peorth somehow. She did not want to risk Misato's wrath, but it would have to be done. Nonetheless, she intended to wait until everyone was asleep. Belldandy hated to do anything behind one's back, but she could see no choice. 
"Shinji-san," she said.
"Uhm? What is it, Belldandy?" Keiichi was trying to find something besides cereal, beer, and ramen.
"What are these Angels?"
Shinji was quiet for a moment, as he finally found some snacks. Then, slowly at first, but warming up to the story, he began telling Belldandy everything that had happened since he came to Tokyo-3. She listened patiently. Shinji continued the story as he cooked, served, and ate, and even as they retired to the couch for some tea. Only once was he interrupted, as Asuka stuck her head out of her door and told Baka Shinji not to leave her out of the story.
When he was done, Shinji felt drained. Belldandy felt much the same. She reached out and caressed his cheek. "Oh, Shinji, I feel so sorry for you."
Shinji shuddered-no one had touched his cheek like that, not since his mother. "Well, we all have our destiny, I guess."
"I can tell you that those are no Angels that I know of," Belldandy reassured him. "We would have our licenses revoked if we acted like that."
"So you're not here to destroy Tokyo-3?"
"No!" Belldandy shook her head vigorously. "I wouldn't think of it. I'm not sure I'm even capable of it." 
"Well, that's a relief. Maybe tomorrow you can talk to my father-" Shinji stopped himself. "No, he won't believe you. Not that bastard."
Belldandy's hands flew up to her mouth. "Shinji, he's your father. You shouldn't speak of him like that."
"He called me here and the first thing he did was to stick me in a big purple killing machine!" Belldandy's eyebrows beetled together at the mental image that brought. No, she thought, the demon Barney was destroyed by Shannon Masters years ago. Seeing her confused, Shinji showed her a picture of EVA-01. "It's…hideous," she said.
"Yeah. Chief Designer Anno had stopped taking his Prozac, I guess." Shinji balled his fists. "I wish I had the courage to go to my father and tell him to his face what I think of him!"
Belldandy again shook her head. "You can't, Shinji. It won't help matters with violence."
Shinji stood, frustrated beyond belief. "What will, then?"
Belldandy stood and held out her arms. Shinji saw the invitation, hesitated, then took it. Belldandy hugged him tight, and Shinji cried inconsolately into her shoulder.
* * *
Because this is supposed to be funny, the author would direct the humble reader's attention back to NERV headquarters. It was quiet, with most everyone having gone home for the night, or back to the barracks in the Geofront. The only one of the "first crew" still on duty was Gendo Ikari, Ritsuko Akagi, and Makato Hyuga.
Gendo Ikari was on his fifth can of Red Bull and poring over his copy of the Dead Sea Scrolls. He still had found nothing pertaining to Belldandy, which posed a considerable dilemma. Gendo's position at NERV depended on looking like he was in control of everything at all times. Usually, he was. When he was not, he fell back on hard-earned lessons from college and looked busy. Moreover, SEELE would want to know what was going on, and he had no idea what to tell them. The truth would either get Gendo sent to a mental hospital (though some quietly maintained that was where he should be in the first place), cause Third Impact, or get Belldandy cloned and mass-produced. Gendo made a mental note that, if Third Impact went awry, he would find Keel and kick his ass in hell for the next few centuries. 
Ritsuko Akagi was still stuck on the level with the Zentraedi female power armor. As her Veritech disintegrated for the eighteenth time, Ritsuko threw her controller across the room and shouted, "I WILL defeat you, Mother!"
Makato Hyuga, who was mopping up the EVA cages of stray LCL (as punishment for daring to touch the posterior of Commander Gendo Ikari, in addition to being poleaxed by Major Misato Katsuragi), swore he heard laughing coming from somewhere. He looked around, but only saw EVA-00. "I've got to find another line of work," he shivered.
So it fell to the poor nightwatch crew, as it usually does, to deal with the problem of alarms going off in the middle of the night. After assorted contusions from leaping into the ceiling, wrenched vertebrae from falling out of chairs, and third degree burns from coffee being shot out of mouths, NERV's intrepid nightwatch determined that there had been another blue pattern detected by MAGI. 
Ritsuko strode into the control center. "What do you have?"
"Nothing, ma'am," the head nightwatchman reported.
"What do you mean, nothing, Craig?" Ritsuko snapped. "The alarms went off!"
"There was something there for a second, then it was gone. Just south of Tokyo-3."
Ritsuko checked the computer. Indeed, there had been a split-second of detection of a blue pattern, but then nothing. MAGI had generated false alarms before, but after the events of the previous day, Ritsuko was taking no chances.
"Should we call in the pilots, Dr. Akagi?"
Ritsuko chewed her lip for a moment. "No. Notify JSSDF and have them run a recon over the target zone. If they even suspect something out of the ordinary, let me know and we'll get Pilot Ayanami here. Keep monitoring. And stay awake! You're not getting paid fifty yen an hour to sleep!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
 
"I swear it wasn't me, Yui!"
"Whatever, Naoko."
"Who's there?" Makato whispered, looking frantically around the EVA cages. "WHO'S THERE?"
All he heard was the lonesome, lilting call of Genesis' "Home By the Sea."
(Third chapter to follow soon. In the meantime, feel free to hum "Fly Me to the Moon." Imagine it done by Rob Zombie.)