(Welcome to the 3rd Part of the MSTing of "By Union of a Wish", brought to you by Stormwind Graphics, the sweetest smelling MSTing studio in the world!) "You are an idiot, Crow!" "Oh yeah? Well, you wouldn't know good music if it jumped up and bit you in the leg, Servo!" "I don't HAVE legs, stupid!" Mike Nelson, munching on a piece of day old pizza, could hear the clamor halfway down the passageway that led to the bridge. He stepped out to find Crow and Tom head to head, literally, yelling at each other. Oh, man, Mike thought, what now. Crow turned to Mike. "Ah, there you are, Mike." Mike never quite got over how much Crow sounded like Dr. Forrester when he said that. "You need to tell sparkplug here that he hasn't the foggiest frickin' clue what he's talking about." "Why you..." Tom made a move to head-butt Crow, but Mike held him back. "I'm afraid to ask, but what's the big argument about this time?" Mike asked. "Anime music, Nelson." Mike shrugged. "What about it? I kind of like anime soundtracks. It has just the right mix of 80s pop and foreign influences..." "No, no. We were thinking of making a couple of videos, about kewl anime shows. But we can't agree on what songs to use." Tom paused, looking daggers at Crow (or at least appearing to). "Or rather, trap jaw over there can't." "Ooh, good one, bot-with-skirt! You think--" "What songs?" Mike quickly said, to forestall the conversation. Tom hovered over to sit on the bridge console. "Okay. Take Belldandy." I'd like to, Mike thought, but hastily concentrated on what Tom was saying. "I say we should use the little-known but absolutely perfect 'Send Me An Angel' for her. It fits Keiichi and Bell's relationship so well..." "Hmpf." Crow narrowed his eyes. "I think U2's 'Mysterious Ways' is MUCH better." Tom ignored that. "For Urd, I was thinking George Michael's 'I Want Your Sex.'" "Bloodhound Gang," Crow snapped. "'The Bad Touch.'" "What about Skuld?" Mike asked. "Oh, that's easy. Foreigner's 'I Want to Know What Love Is.'" "Poppycock," Crow growled. "Rush's 'Virtuality.'" Mike got between them. "Why don't you compromise? You want my opinion, 'Send Me An Angel' sounds good for Belldandy, 'Bad Touch' for Urd, and 'Virtuality' for Skuld." "That's no compromise!" Tom shrilled. "Crow gets one more than I do, then?" "Then you get to choose one for Keiichi, Tom." Tom thought about that for a moment. "Well...all right. What do you say, Crow?" "Sure. Sounds good to me. What song are you going to use?" "Information Society's 'How Long.'" "Oh, what a load of crap!" Crow yelled. Tom jetted towards him, and they were eye to eye again. The debate would have begun anew except for the sudden entrance of Allegra, dressed only in a flimsy towel. (Obligatory tease shot.) She seemed totally oblivious to the argument as she walked slowly past. Mainly because the argument died. Mike, Crow, Tom, and Cambot followed her passage. "Er...hi, Allegra," Mike stammered. "Hm?" She seemed distracted. "I said hi." "Oh. Hi. I had to take a shower and brush my teeth before we go back into the theater." "Sure, no sweat." Mike hesitated, then pointed in the opposite direction from where she was heading. "Allegra, your room is that way." "Oh. Thank you." She turned around and headed back the way she had come. "Say, Allegra," Tom spoke up, "we're having a neat debate on music for anime videos, specifically for Ah My Goddess. Want to put in your two cents?" "That's Tom, nice," she said quietly as she walked off the bridge, leaving it in stunned silence. "Uh oh," Crow said. Mike shook his head. "This is bad. She's starting to lose it, guys. I was afraid of this." "We gotta snap her out of it somehow!" Crow said. "I didn't know you cared," Mike smiled. "I do! About me! If she freaks out, she'll turn me and Tom into lint filters! And Mike, she'll turn you into--" Inevitably, the alarms and lights began flashing. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGNNN!!!" (Door sequence. Nothing new here, move along.) (All take their seats.) Crow: Hey, Allegra. You're not looking so good. Allegra: Huh? Oh, I'm fine, Crow. Just tired. Tom: You'll feel better after we start riffing. Don't give up on us, okay? Allegra: I'll try, guys. >On the Eve of Allegra: Destruction. Mike: There ya go! >the Future Tom: Oh, I see we're back to the future. (All groan.) >"Are we all here?" Belldandy asked. Somewhat incongruously, Keiichi >was holding Belldandy in his arms, determined to carry her over the >nearest equivalent of a threshold. Mike (Keiichi): Urgh...Belldandy...you need to...go on...a diet...aggh... >Skuld and Kenji were holding hands next to them, and Urd was standing >a few feet away with a *very* surprised Megumi. Crow (Megumi): Urd, why are you holding my hand? >"I thought heaven was supposed to be ice castles and rainbow rivers! Mike: No more drugs for Megumi. >This is...it looks like a lobby!" Megumi was *not* impressed. Allegra: Oh, great. Heaven is a Holiday Inn. Mike: Man. That's a real letdown. >"Well, it is. I thought it would be more convenient to get us to >where we wanted to go." Belldandy was wearing her practical look. Tom: Oh, yes. As opposed to her 'wild and unhinged' look. >"Of course, we could travel via the river..." >Suddenly, Megumi found herself a thousand feet up a mountain, clinging >to the ice face. Mike: Megumi IS Some Climber Dude in "K2-2!" >A raging river was barely visible down below, and in the distance was >a large palace, seemingly composed entirely of crystal. Megumi gasped >and tried to get a safer grip... Allegra: And fell to her death. The end. Crow: Mike, Allegra needs a RAMchip. >And then they were back in the lobby, and Belldandy was speaking >again. "But that would take us three days, whereas in this guise we >can get to our domain by the elevator. Mike: So heaven is a place on earth, after all. >Is that alright?" >"Sure! No problem! Elevator it is!" Megumi decided that safe beat >impressive any day of the week. Crow: Chicken! >"Bell, can we stop by Yggsdrassil Allegra (Belldandy): Spit it out, Urd! >before we split up? I want to touch base, and it might be nice for >everyone to see the cause of all their problems." Tom: Hiyao Miyazaki? >Urd was still looking slightly depressed, but arriving back in heaven >seemed to buoy her spirits. >"Of course! Um, Kei-chan, can you put me down? We need to go down >about 672 floors..." Mike: Just a hop, skip, and a jump, eh? >Keiichi had been feeling very tired for a while now, but wasn't about >to admit it. "Of course, Bell-chan", he said gracefully. Crow: And dropped Belldandy on her can. >Urd smiled. "Listen to the two of them. Maybe we should just get you >two to Belldandy's place so you can start doing your marital duties." Allegra (Urd): Cleaning house and fixing dinner! >Both Keiichi and Belldandy blushed deeply. "Well, Kami-sama has >called us to his office first..." Belldandy murmured. Tom: Wow! Wedding instructions from God. That would be so kewl. >"So let's go, then! Don't want to keep you two lovebirds waiting!" >Smiling, Urd led the party into a waiting elevator. Crow (Hicks): Express elevator to hell, GOIN' DOWN!! >It took them down to Yggsdrassil, the world computer, the one piece of >machinery that held everything together. Tom: Ten RAMchips say something breaks. Crow: I'll take some of that! >*** >"Wow!" Megumi exclaimed. Mike (Megumi): Three stars! >Yggsdrassil was big. Actually, big doesn't even begin to describe >Yggdrasil. Tom: It was HUGE! Mike: Like no one saw that coming. >It extended in all directions, till it disappeared from vision. Allegra: I guess you need AD Vision, then...heh heh...uhm...never mind. >"Impressive, ain't it? Terminal." At Urd's command, a small keyboard >appeared in front of Urd. She logged in and began to type. Crow (Urd): Let's see what's happening on Club SVAM today... Mike: Crow, watch that fourth wall. Crow: Yeah, yeah. >"You keep the entire world running from here? How...well, I don't >mean to have it sound like this, but...how can you stay on Earth all >the time? Doesn't it require constant maintenance?" Allegra (Urd): Sometimes it crashes. Crow (Megumi): What happens then? Allegra (Urd): Well, you remember that little fracas in Florida last November? >"Not really," responded Belldandy. "The main program has been running >for thousands of years, and it requires only periodic maintenance. >The problem we had with the bugs last Christmas was very much an >aberration. Tom (Urd): Bill Gates tried to duplicate our operating system. Kami-sama fixed his little red wagon. >It shouldn't happen again." >Megumi nodded; she was still a little fuzzy on the whole "bug" >situation last Christmas, except that Keiichi seemed unhappy most of >the time. Mike: It probably hadn't helped that Skuld kept "finding" bugs on Keiichi's head. >Keiichi was looking at Urd, who was typing at speeds approximating >Mach 1. Tom: She's faster than Data! >"Somehow, Urd, the thought of you as a computer geek just doesn't >fit." Allegra: Yeah, she's nice looking. (Thunder booms in the distance.) Mike: Hear that? That's the sound of a thousand ticked off computer geeks. Who do you think does this stuff? Allegra: Oops...meesa sorry. Crow: Now who's messing with the fourth wall? >Urd frowned, but didn't take her eyes off the screen. "Excuse me, >Morisato, but who do you think was the System Administrator for this? Mike: Anyone else find it a non-coincidence that since Urd has been on earth, things have been a bit more peaceful and progressive? >Just because I don't have a mecha fetish like my sister Tom: Gee, thanks for THAT mental image, Urd... >doesn't mean I don't know programming. Anyway, if I get tired of it, >I can always -- " Mike: Hit Control+Alt+Delete. >At this point, Urd waved her hand, and the entire space seemed to >*shift*. (Everyone makes "Wayne's World" scene shift noises and gestures.) >Where Yggsdrassil massive computer banks had once stood, there now sat >a rather small, twisted tree. Crow (Obi-Wan): Yggdrassil's more machine than tree...twisted and evil. >Keiichi and Megumi turned in amazement to Urd, who was now scrubbing >at the sides of a well, removing small pieces of lichen. Allegra: Out, out, damn spot! >"This is the original; after all, computers weren't all the rage in >the ancient times." Urd waved her hand again, Crow: Abracapocus! (Allegra suddenly sprouts bat wings.) Allegra: OW! Stop that, Crow! Crow: Hee hee...(sees Allegra sprout claws). Oh, all right. Hocus-cadabra. (Allegra returns to normal.) Tom: Too bad, Crow. She makes a really neat Morrigan. >and Yggdrasil and the terminal were back. "This is definitely less >wear and tear on the body, though. Ah, finished." Urd hit the return >key with a flourish, and the terminal vanished. Mike: Man, just think about the speed of that thing. Tom: I don't know, Mike. Change is pretty slow in the world. >"That's that; now for some fun. Crow (Urd): Might as well check the hentai sites. Mike: Crow... Crow: Now, Mike. I'm totally in character for Urd here. Mike: True. >Bell, while you and Keiichi go see Kami-sama, I'm gonna take the >others on a little trip." She turned to Megumi and winked. "Get to >see a little slice of heaven, kid. And I won't even charge you." Allegra (Urd): By the way, the only way I could get you up here is to kill your body. Is that a big problem? >Keiichi was looking around. "Has anyone seen Skuld or Kenji?" >Urd suddenly snapped her head around. Tom: CRACK! >"What?! Where'd they go! I've got to -- " Mike (Urd): Have a chaperone! >Belldandy smiled. "I believe Skuld wanted to show Kenji her room. >Don't worry, Urd, I'm sure everything will be all right." Allegra: As if. >Urd glared, but said nothing. Crow: Tight close-up. >*** Tom: Third floor! Haberdashery, lingerie, and really big guns! >"Well, here we are!" Skuld stopped outside of a door somewhere near >Yggsdrassil center. "I need to be close to here in case any bugs pop >up." >"Um, Skuld...I dunno if I should be going into your room." Kenji said, >noticing what appeared to be a manic grin on Skuld's face. Allegra (Skuld): Skuld? Skuld is dead, my friend... >"Don't be silly! I need to try something out, and you're the only >person I want to do it with!" Tom: They can't. Mike: They wouldn't. Allegra: They shouldn't. Crow: It's a lemon. They can do all that and more. >With that, Skuld flung open her door, revealing the inside to Kenji. >He paled. Mike (Kenji): My gosh...it looks like a Toys 'R' Us that got bombed. >"Umm...er...I really think we should be getting back to the >others..." he stammered. >"What are you afraid of? C'mon, it'll be fun!" Tom: This must be the lemon scene. Allegra: Grrrowwfff...I will KILL the author. >"Help..." Kenji murmured as Skuld dragged him inside. Mike: I second the motion for 'help.' >The door closed. Coming from inside, you could hear the click of a >lock. Allegra (closing her eyes): I can't watch this. >*** Mike: It's okay, Allegra. No Skuld/Kenji lemon scene. Allegra: Whew! >Keiichi felt like running for his life. Tom: You ain't the only one, pal. >He knew on the surface that marrying Belldandy would entail this >meeting, but hadn't prepared himself for the reality of it. He was >about to meet Kami-sama. Nothing at Nekomi Tech had prepared him for >this. Mike (Keiichi): I wonder if he really does look like George Burns? >"Don't worry, Kei-chan; he's really a very nice god." Allegra (Belldandy): Just don't make him mad, okay? >Belldandy said, but Keiichi noticed that her eyes told a different >story. She was concerned, as well. Keiichi remembered that Kami-sama >had said to her that he would allow the marriage, but would not give >his blessing. He wondered why. Crow: Well, God is a busy man. >Similar thoughts were running through Belldandy's mind. When she last >met with Kami-sama, he had seemed distant, as if he did not approve of >her marriage to Keiichi. She, too, worried about what this meeting >would entail. >The large doors in front of them opened by themselves, and Keiichi >found himself looking upon a throne room. (Everyone begins singing Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus".) >Simple, to be sure, few luxuries or ostentations, but a throne room >nevertheless. Sitting on the throne was a small man, Allegra: If that's Akira, I am leaving right now! >looking to be in his mid-70s. Keiichi was amazed to see that he wore >a patch over his right eye. Tom: God looks like an anime bad guy? That seems kinda sacrilegeous. >Belldandy was equally amazed. Kami-sama rarely wore his true form, >preferring a more impressive body. Mike: After all, he IS God. >To see him as he really was... Belldandy began to be seriously >concerned. >Kami-sama said nothing at first, merely watched as the two of them >came forward and bowed. Crow (Indiana Jones): The penitent man kneels before God! Look out! >He seemed to be concentrating on Keiichi, as if looking for some inner >facet. >Finally, he spoke. "I must confess to surprise; I had been >expecting... well, you seem so ordinary." Allegra: Oh-kay. How can someone who's omniscent be surprised? >Keiichi began to bristle, in spite of himself. He had been hearing >that from Skuld for years. Crow: Don't do it, Keiichi! Pillar of salt, man! Pillar of salt! >Kami-sama smiled, and the tension seemed to leave the room. "I did >not mean to cause offense, son. Mike: Hey, God's a cool guy. >I am intrigued, however. You have attracted the love of one of the >goddesses, and yet there seems to be nothing special about you. Crow: Ow. Talk about a blow to the ego! >What is it about yourself that makes such a goddess want you, for the >rest of your life?" >Belldandy began to flush a little, and started to answer, but Kami->sama held her back. "No, Belldandy, this is important. I want to >hear it from him." >Keiichi thought for a few moments. Kami-sama obviously knew all about >him already, so this was more of a test than anything else. Keiichi >decided to just make it simple. >"I'm nothing special, sir. I'm just an ordinary Japanese college >student. Tom: In anime, there is no such thing as an "ordinary Japanese college student." They're either inexpicably attractive to all women of all races and species, they have a curse, or they pilot mecha. >I'm not rich, or powerful. I can't offer Belldandy life in a palace. Allegra: I'd think that would be an asset as far as God is concerned. >The question you ask...I have asked myself, over and over again, these >past three years. I have no idea how it happened, but apparently I >was fortunate enough to have Belldandy come into my life." >Belldandy, outraged at Keiichi's self-deprecation, was about to leap >to his defense when she heard Kami-sama chuckle. Angered, she turned >towards him as he spoke. Crow: Bad move, Belldandy! The last angel to argue with God came a'cropper! >"You impress me, son. I had been afraid that marriage to a goddess >would have made you feel important, too full of yourself. Keep that >humility, Morisato. Mike (Kami-sama): You've got bags of humility. >It is something that we gods all too often lack, and in your marriage, >you will need to bring many human qualities." >Belldandy's anger began to drain out of her. Tom: Liquid Plumr DOES work! >Kami-sama continued, "But this does not mean that your opinion of >yourself has to be so poor. The reasons, Keiichi, why Belldandy fell >in love with you are easy to see. Mike: For God, maybe. >Your honor, your respectfulness, your love of others, and >unwillingness to hurt them. When you were fighting against Fenrir, >you sacrificed yourself, not for Belldandy, but for her sister, who >had not treated you well. That, more than Belldandy's words of love, >is why we allowed this marriage to happen." Crow (Kami-sama): That, and we would've had a sucky ending to the story. >Keiichi turned beet red, as Belldandy's expression lit up. Tom: DING DING DING! JACKPOT!! >"Oh, Kami-sama, thank you! Please forgive me for having doubted you!" >Belldandy screamed and threw her arms around him, kissing him over and >over again. "Oh, Kei-chan, Tom: Kei-chan? When did the Dirty Pair show up? Allegra: Especially since Kei wouldn't have much chance of getting into heaven, period? >thank you!!! I love you so much!!!" >Kami-sama looked at the goddess of the present, who seemed to be >acting very much like Lum Redet. Crow: I don't see no tiger-stripe bikini. >Oh, well. Allegra (Kami-sama as Lum): GODDESS NO BAKA! >ZAP!< >"This meeting is now concluded. I wish you both the best of luck with >your marriage. May it last until the end of time itself." Mike: That WOULD take an act of God. >And with that, Kami-sama left the chamber, leaving the two lovers >still locked in an embrace. He wondered if they'd even heard him. >*** Tom: Meanwhile, back at the Bar-Star Ranch... >Megumi was bored. She had never thought she'd be bored by heaven, but >she was. Allegra: I guess it'd be better to be bored in heaven than be busy in hell. >Urd had apparently decided that the tour of heaven would take in all >her old haunts, which meant that they'd been to a succession of bars >and restaurants. Tom: "In heaven there is no beer/That's why we drink it here/And when we're gone from here/All our friends will be drinking all our beer." (Everyone claps. Join in, if you like.) Allegra: Encore! Encore! Crow: Yeah! Keep doing it until you get it right! Tom: ... >She looked over, watching Urd catching up on old times with yet >*another* tall, blond, gorgeous god. Tom: It's Dark Schneider! >Megumi could appreciate them as much as the next girl, but it began to >get a bit repetitive after a while. Allegra: Yeah? Who says! >"Hello." All: Hi! >The voice seemed to ease into her consciousness, as if it took a while >to comprehend. She looked up to see a tall, blue-eyed man (well, god >probably). But at least he wasn't a blond Adonis. The best word to >describe him would be striking. Mike: Striker? (Crow shrugs and pokes Allegra.) Allegra: WHAT THE HELL? Crow: Well, he said "strike her"... Allegra: I should kill you just for the Airplane riff. >"You don't seem to be having a good time. Heaven not living up to its >name?" Mike: I wouldn't say that. Heaven has pretty good PR. >Megumi found herself strangely drawn to this man, and she answered him >quickly. Crow: He's evil! >"Well, I'm sure it's lovely, but I'm not getting the scenic tour from >Urd, I can tell you." >There was a flash of...something, Megumi wasn't sure...across his eyes >for a moment at the mention of Urd's name, but it quickly vanished, to >be replaced by his grin. Tom: Godlike eyes are smiling, I see. >"Yes, I can imagine that the Alcohol '96 Tour is somehow lacking. Tell >you what, you'll want to get away from all this. Allegra (unknown guy): Try the Family Values Tour. >Heaven is a fascinating place, and you're not seeing some of the truly >exciting things. Urd isn't the one to show you around these things, >anyway. I'm a fairly low-key guy; why don't I take you around?" Crow: Around the world, that is. >Megumi glanced over at Urd, who seemed to be heavily into a drinking >contest. Tom (Urd): Sailor Moon transformation sequence! CHUG!!! >"Well, I'm not sure if..." >The man smiled again. "Don't worry about Urd; we'll be back before >she notices we're gone." Mike: And the way Urd's packing it away, that could be eternity. >Megumi looked into his eyes again, and found herself saying yes. >Those were the oddest eyes... Crow: One was a smiley face. The other was crossed. >"Well, where should we go first?" >"Ah, now that's a surprise..." And with that, Megumi felt herself >disappearing, Tom: She's being kidnapped by Captain Kirk! >held by the man in an iron grip. Crow (Megumi): Must...resist...breath...minty fresh... >Just before she lost consciousness, she wondered if perhaps this >wasn't such a great idea after all. Mike: I thought the same thing about my temp service. Let's take a break before the seventh-inning stretch. (Door sequence. And stuff.) Crow and Tom had talked Mike into taking a turn through Rick's Cafe Americain in the Holocabana, but Allegra had refused. Instead, she looked out through the viewscreen, watching the world drift by. She was so lonely. Being a vampire/werewolf hybrid left her out of both worlds, and mortals instinctively knew she was trouble, and avoided her. She normally kept her emotions under control, waiting for the right guy to come along. So far, she hadn't had much luck. She felt a lot of empathy for Keiichi, and wondered if she would ever meet the man of her dreams. A single red tear rolled down from her left eye. The hexfield viewscreen opened up to reveal TV's Frank. Allegra looked Frank over, but he wasn't exactly what she had in mind. Besides, he was an evil henchman, and it just wouldn't work out. Again. Frank jumped in surprise. "Oh, it's you. I was looking for Mike." "He's in the Holocabana," Allegra answered, hurriedly wiping away the tear. "I can take a message." "No, don't worry about it. I just wanted to know if he was done borrowing my Janis Joplin CD. He can send it down the Umbilicus later." "Sure, I'll tell him." Frank almost signed off, then stopped. "Hey...you okay?" "Fine," she snapped. Frank grimaced at the tone. "Well...you don't look so good. What's wrong?" "It's...oh, what do you care! Your damn fic is getting to me, that's what's wrong! It's so cute and romantic and I'm lonely and I'm in emotional pain here! So run along and tell your master that I'm cracking! I'm sure he'll love it!" Frank recoiled back at the venom in her voice. "Gee, Miss Allegra...you're making me feel kinda bad. I just send the fics and do some housekeeping down here. That and play guinea pig. That's not so bad. I'm evil and all, but...aw, don't cry..." Allegra tried to stop the tears, but they came anyway. "Sorry. It's just that I know there's a lemon scene coming up, but I don't know when. I don't know if I can handle the pressure of waiting." Frank looked from side to side, then leaned close to the screen. "I shouldn't be doing this, but I hate to see girls cry. The lemon scene is coming up next. There's just the one scene, and it's more waffy than lemony. Don't tell Dr. F I told you, okay?" "Just one scene?" "Yeah. Just one." Allegra dried her tears. "One, huh? I can handle that. Thanks, Frank. You're a good...well, a good evil guy." Frank beamed. "Thanks, Miss Allegra. I try. See you later." She blew Frank a kiss. "Puppy ciao!" He blushed and hit a button. As the hexfield closed, he said, "Oh, yeah. YOU'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIGGNN!!! I've waited five years to say that..." (Door sequence. Surprised?) (All take their seats. Crow is wearing a fedora.) Mike: That place hasn't been the same since we watched that bad Raul Julia flick. Crow: Yeah, it's kinda gone downhill. Tom: Hey, Allegra. How're you feeling? You looked blue. Allegra: Oh, I'm fine. (Hands Crow a PADD.) Secret stuff, you know. Crow: Huh? Oh! Right. (He hands the PADD to Mike, who holds it up for Tom to read. It says "LEMON SCENE COMING UP! BRACE YOURSELF AND KEEP IT ON THE DL THAT WE KNOW!") Tom: Hmm. >ahem< Gee, Mike, I sure hope there's no LEMON scene coming up! Mike: Uh, yeah! That would be terrible! Crow: Woe is us! I may faint. Allegra (whispering): Don't overdo it, dummy! And take off the fedora. The readers can't see through it, you know. Crow: Right, right. >*** >Belldandy's room was exactly what you would expect from her - simple, >yet elegant. Crow: Emphasis on simple! >Not that Keiichi got much of a chance to see it, as he was still >wrapped up in Belldandy's arms. Allegra (Belldandy): Goddess Bear Hug Attack! >Pausing for breath, he decided to extricate himself. Mike (Keiichi): Air! Blessed air! >Keiichi didn't dare admit it, but he was *incredibly* nervous. Tom: Can't imagine why... >Besides the usual jitters about the wedding night, he had a bunch that >were specific to his own situation. He was married to a goddess, and >about to sleep with her. Allegra: He might have sex, too! >There were quite a few existential dilemmas in there to worry about. Tom: Existentialism? Hoo boy...hold on, head... Crow: Existential dilemmas in...no, I won't touch that. Mike: Good boy. >Belldandy seemed to notice his discomfort. "What's wrong, Kei-chan?" Mike (Keiichi): Nothing. I just have this feeling we're being watched. Crow: You're right! By us! >"Bell-chan, Crow: Taco Bell-chan! >do you remember shortly after you arrived on Earth, you were talking >about auras?" >Belldandy didn't really follow where this conversation was going. Mike: Us, either. >"Yes, I remember." >Keiichi continued on. "And afterwards, you thought I had a fever and >put me to bed..." >*Now* Belldandy realized what Keiichi was getting at. She blushed >fiercely. "Yes, I remember." Allegra (Belldandy): I made you drink a whole bottle of Nyquil! Mike: Urgh...now I feel sick. >Keiichi was also rather red. "Well, um...I wasn't really sick." Tom (Keiichi): I was trying to get out of going to class the next day. >"Yes, I know that now, Keiichi-san. You must understand, I was fairly >inexperienced at dealing with humans." >Keiichi didn't really want to continue the conversation, but..."Um, >and I was concerned that...you might think..." Crow: "I'm crazy/But all I want is you!" Mike: The no 80s riff ban is still in effect...but that actually fits this situation pretty well. >Belldandy giggled suddenly. "Oh, Keiichi-san, that was three years >ago! Goodness knows, Tom: Shouldn't that be "Goddess knows?" >having Urd living with us has taught me a few things." Allegra (Belldandy): Kama Sutra, Joy of Sex, Dr. Ruth... >She blushed again. "I've no actual experience, but...I won't put you >to sleep again." Mike: At least not immediately, anyway. >Keiichi sighed a bit, both relieved and nervous at the same time. "I >have to tell you, Belldandy, this is making me uncomfortable. I mean, >much as we agreed to be husband and wife down on Earth, you are a >goddess. Please don't get offended, Bell-chan, but... Crow (Keiichi): This is a lemon, and we need to get some bodies slappin'. Mike: Crow, you're lapsing. Crow: Ah, come on. Just this once, Mike. Mike: No! >the idea of making love to you is somewhat unnerving." >Belldandy smiled. At last she knew what was bothering him. Crow: Yeah, just look at the front of his pants. Mike: Crow, now YOU'RE starting to lose it. Crow: Hush! I'm doing JUST fine! >Well, she'd just have to take care of his fear. She leaned in and >caressed his face. Allegra: Before you undress, caress! >"Kei-chan, why do you assume that there is such a difference between >gods and mortals? You've seen enough of me and my sisters to know >that we share many of the same traits." Crow: In all the right places! Mike: Okay, that's it. Allegra, you're closest! Enact Plan Number Nine! Allegra: Sir! (Reaches under seat and produces a thick roll of duct tape, then grabs Crow) Crow: You won't take me without a fight! >She slowly began to move her lips along his neck as she loosened his >tie. "Anger, fear, jealousy... Tom (Yoda): A Jedi craves not these things! >why shouldn't we feel the same desire?" Allegra: Dammit, Crow! Hold still! Crow: No! Allegra: Growl! >Keiichi was suddenly finding it very difficult to think clearly. >While they had kissed, their physical relationship hadn't really gone >much further than that. Tom: Copping a feel, that sort of thing. Mike: Now don't YOU start. There's plenty of duct tape to go around. Allegra (getting up): Not anymore. (Crow is firmly taped to the chair, with his beak shut.) He's a little scrapper, you know that? Tom: Comfortable, Crow? Crow: MMPPFF! Mike: It's for your own good. >With Skuld in the room next door, it seemed prudent to wait for the >honeymoon. Now, however, Belldandy was exciting him in ways she never >had before. He tried to concentrate. "Um...it never >occurred to me..." Tom (Keiichi): But I didn't bring protection. >Belldandy had half removed his shirt, and was moving her lips down his >chest in a manner that Keiichi was finding incredibly erotic. Allegra (Belldandy): Patooey! Mike: What? Allegra (Belldandy): Belly button lint. >"And besides," she continued, "do you think you're the first mortal a >god or goddess has made love to?" Mike: Yeah, Zeus has a lot to answer for. >She removed his shirt, and drifted back up to kiss him on the lips >again. >Keiichi could understand the rightness of her arguments, but had to >admit that at the moment it was what she was doing to him that was >swaying his opinion. Tom: Objection! The prosecution is seducing the witness! >Belldandy decided to end the conversation. "Kei-chan, I *want* you. Allegra: Simmering on a plate with an apple in your mouth. >You know that I love you with my whole self, and that includes my >body. I find you incredibly attractive, Kei-chan. Mike: For some inexplicable reason. >Please don't deny me." She smiled shyly to attempt to take the edge >off of her words, but her eyes showed what she was really thinking. Crow: MMPPFFF!!! Allegra: I hope that duct tape holds. >Keiichi gulped. He had never thought of himself as being a very >attractive person, and here was Belldandy telling him how she wanted >to make love to him. All remaining doubts were ripped away as he >realized that he desperately wanted to make love to her. Mike: Talk about slow on the uptake! >And more importantly, there was her final statement. Keiichi would do >anything rather than deny Belldandy. >Belldandy kissed Keiichi, waiting for his answer. Tom: He can't answer you while you're playing tongue hockey, dummy! >She was the one who was nervous now. She had admitted a lot of >personal feelings in the past few minutes, and hoped that Keiichi >would understand. She wanted him so badly it was almost painful. Crow: MMRRGGHPPFF!!! >Thus, when he relaxed and began moving into the kiss, she almost >cheered with relief. Tom: Mike, it's just not right to have Crow all trussed up. We've been through so many lemons together. It feels incomplete, y'know? Mike (sighs): Yeah, you're right. Untape him, Allegra. Allegra: Okay, but if he bites me again, I'm going to do unto him that which Urd did unto Keiichi. (Rips tape off.) Crow: That was mean and cruel! Mike: We're sorry, Crow. We missed you. Fire away! Make any hentai comments you want. Crow: ...you sure took all the fun out of that, Nelson. >Keiichi leaned back, setting Belldandy back onto the bed. They leaned >back, letting their bodies flow together. Tom (Obi-wan): Feel the Force flow through you! >Belldandy began to remove her own clothes now, her dress falling down >around her waist. She could have removed them all by magic, but the >object was to get Keiichi aroused, and that certainly seemed to be >working. Crow (Beavis): Heh heh...boiiinggg! >Standing Belldandy up again, Keiichi said, "I should be helping with >that." He slowly removed the dress from around her hips, letting it >drop to the floor. Stepping out of it, Belldandy stood in front of >him dressed only in her underwear. Tom: Hmm. Victoria's Secret. I'd know that brand anywhere! Allegra (picking up the PADD): Note to self...check underwear drawer after fic. >Despite the conversation they'd just had, Keiichi couldn't help but >blush. "You...you look wonderful, Bell-chan." Mike: Feh. I've seen better. Allegra: Really? Mike: No, I can't back that up. >Belldandy looked down demurely. "Thank you, Kei-chan." She pulled >him close to her for another kiss, and began to remove his pants. Allegra: Don't unzip him too fast, Bell! You might catch something! Mike (doubling over): Sweet Louise, Allegra! Did you HAVE to say that? >Keiichi jumped a bit. "Um...we can go more slowly if you like, Bell->chan. I mean, we have a few days of our honeymoon to go..." >Belldandy seemingly paid him no attention, Crow (Belldandy): Shaddup! >removing his pants until he stood there clad only in his boxers. Tom: Ah, an excellent choice, Keiichi! Jockey, limited edition! Allegra: Don't you guys find it a bit disturbing that Tom knows all this? Crow: You get used to it. >"I know, Kei-chan. And I want to be able to do this with you as many >times as possible during that time." All: "You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals..." >She sat him down on the bed again, Allegra: Up, down! Up, down! Make up your minds! Crow: There's gonna be a lot more up-down before this is over. >and they kissed passionately. Then Keiichi surprised her by moving his >hands behind her back, attempting to remove her bra. Mike: Chinese finger trap! >For a moment, she thought she'd have to lead him through every step. Tom: Belldandy's a by-the-book kind of person. Allegra (Belldandy): Roll over, Keiichi! I lost my place! >It took him a few tries, but he finally released it, and it fell to >the floor. >Keiichi looked down and gasped. (Crow and Tom begin humming the theme to "The Crying Game.") Mike: That's not funny! >Belldandy's breasts, while not impressive in size like Urd's, Tom: Or in anime terms, Belldandy is a Eva suit. Urd is the SDF-1. >were one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen. He raised a hand >tentatively to stroke them, noticing how soft they were. Crow: Boingy boingy boingy... >As he did so, he began to kiss her neck, Allegra: Hey, don't be trying my schtick, buddy. >and then worked his way down, noticing how much he appeared to be >turning her on. Allegra: Yeah? So what's it take to turn the guy on? Mike: Show up. >Belldandy was having trouble breathing. Tom: That's not really a good sign. >The feel of Keiichi's hands and tongue on her body were driving her >into a frenzy, Allegra: She's gonna wolf out! >and it was all she could do to keep from bringing his mouth up to >hers. Crow: I think his mouth needs to stay attached right where it is. >Then his lips reached her nipple, and began to suck it gently. Crow: See? >She gasped at that, feeling dizzy, as a rush of blood left her head. Tom: Whoa! Negative G's! >Keiichi was in heaven, Mike: Well, duh. >marveling at the taste and feel of Belldandy's body. As he kissed it, >Belldandy's nipple seemed to stiffen in his mouth, growing harder to >the touch. As he went to the other breast, he was surprised to find >her moving his head towards it. Allegra (Scorpion): Get over here! >So surprised in fact, that he accidentally bit it. Crow: Say, Allegra...don't toss me into the wall, but I gotta ask. What would you do if a guy bit you, well, there? Allegra: Reflex action. I'd probably snap his neck. Crow: 0_o >Belldandy moaned, feeling Keiichi's teeth pulling at her. Mike: Keiichi! She's gonna need those! >She was unbelievably aroused now, and couldn't wait for much longer. >She began to move towards his boxers, needing to feel more of him, >needing him inside her, making her fulfilled. Tom: Go, Keiichi! Fufill that contract! >Keiichi felt Belldandy move lower, and begin to take off his boxers. >This proved to be more difficult than he thought, because he was fully >erect, and thus impeding her progress a little. Mike: I hope she doesn't decide to use her super-goddess strength right now. >Finally, however, his shorts slid to the ground, and Belldandy saw his >manhood for the first time. Allegra (Belldandy): BWAH HA HA HA!!! >"Oh, my..." she said. Keiichi was no monster, but he was certainly >impressive. Tom: You expect us to believe that? >Now it was her turn to be hesitant, as she slowly reached out to >caress it. Keiichi gasped when she did so, and she felt his member >twitch in her hands. Crow: Leggo! >She smiled again, and slowly began to move her hand along its length. Crow: This is that up-down I was mentioning earlier, Allegra. Allegra: Ah. >Keiichi found himself lost in pleasure for a moment, as Belldandy's >hands caressed his manhood. It was all he could do to hold himself >in, and not come in her hands right then. Mike: Yes, thank you for sparing us that scene. >Then he suddenly realized that Belldandy was doing all the work, Allegra: That figures. Stupid man. >and found a reserve of patience within himself. Tom (Gen. Buford): Tell Devin all reserves forward, NOW! Mike: Crap. Tom's ahead on obscurity points. >He moved his hands down towards her legs, and slowly began to ease her >panties down off her body. Then, slowly and carefully, he began to >explore her sex, Allegra: Well, she's female, Keiichi. You'd be surprised to find out what we're capable of... >trying to find what would make her happy. >Belldandy felt Keiichi's hands at her sex, Allegra: Oh. THAT sex. Mike: So you haven't read a lot of lemons, have you, Allegra? >and began to moan as she felt his first attempts to explore. Tom: Keiichi races for the pole! >then suddenly, his fingers brushed at her clitoris, and Belldandy >cried out as a warm feeling coursed through her body, and out between >her legs. Crow: Lemon cliche number #456: Women are actually fire hoses. >Keiichi immediately noticed her response, as his hand was soaked with >her juices. Tom: The Bloodhound Gang was right. He's gonna need a mop and bucket at this rate. >He therefore decided to experiment with this more, and began to stroke >Belldandy's nub in a circular motion. Mike: Press down and twist. Allegra: You ever try that with a woman, Mike, and she'll press down and twist too. Your head. Off. >She was breathing in great, heaving gasps, and more fluid ran out from >between the lips of her sex. >Suddenly Belldandy could stand no more. She grabbed him and pulled >his face up to hers again, kissing him fiercely. Tom: Dislocating his jaw. >"Keiichi, please. I want to feel you inside me. *Now*." Mike (Keiichi): Mmpf morpf mff! >Keiichi was momentarily overwhelmed again. The heat from their bodies >was making it difficult to keep control again, All: MELTDOWN!!! >and he knew he wouldn't be able to last much longer. Wordlessly, he >pushed her down onto the bed, Crow (Keiichi): Rarr! Me man! >and put his manhood up to the lips of her sex. For a time, they >merely rocked back and forth, enjoying the sensation of pressing >against each other. Tom: We've secretly switched Keiichi's sweat with model glue. Let's watch. >Then Keiichi attempted to bring his penis inside of her. >Unfortunately, he missed, fumbling at her entrance. Mike: Oh, I'm not believing this. Crow: Hey, it's all too easy to miss at close range. >Belldandy smiled at him, took hold of his member, and gently guided it >into her. Allegra (Belldandy): Oh, for...gimme that. I gotta do everything myself around here. >Then, as if obeying some hidden signal, they rocked their hips >together forcefully. Keiichi could feel himself driving deep within >her. All: RAMMING SPEED!!! >He was a little surprised to find himself momentarily blocked, and he >realized that he must be hitting Belldandy's hymen. Crow: You'd better hope so, buddy! >He would have thought that she could have magicked it away or >something, to make the experience less painful for her. But as he >broke through the barrier, he looked up into her face. Tom (computer voice): Warp One! >She cried out momentarily, but her eyes were shining. At that moment, >Keiichi realized that she had wanted the full experience of her first >time with him, both the pleasure and the pain. Allegra: Screw that! Mike: Yes, that's the point. Allegra: (facefault) >And now, as he stroked in and out of her, he could see that the pain >was beginning to pass. >Belldandy felt no small amount of pain as Keiichi broke her hymen, but >it was quick to pass. Tom: This was brought to you by the Department of Sexual Redundancy Department, a division and a division of the Department of Redundancy Department. >She felt a wonderful sense of completeness, as if the two of them were >now truly husband and wife, coming together as one pair, Crow: Not yet, they haven't. >and was sure that she would feel this way for the rest of her life. >Then she was beyond thought, letting the pleasure take her to greater >and greater heights. Tom (computer voice): Warp Three! >Keiichi was reveling in the feel of Belldandy's softness surrounding >him, of the way that their bodies seemed to come together >effortlessly. Allegra: Humans are sorta designed that way. >Then he began to realize how close he was to orgasm, and panicked >slightly. He didn't want to come while Belldandy was still on the >edge, so he sped up in an effort to make her reach her peak. Mike: That's like having a burning gas leak, and speeding up to try and outrace it. >It worked. Crow: Here she come, Andy, turn on the grill! >Belldandy shuddered and cried out as her body reached orgasm, her arms >clinching Keiichi tightly to her. Tom (Scotty): She canna take much more o' this, Cap'n! >At the same time, Keiichi screamed Belldandy's name and let go, >filling her with his seed. They both hovered in ecstasy for a few >moments, and then collapsed onto the bed, panting heavily. Mike (checking watch): One minute, thirty-three seconds. Not bad for a beginner. >Keiichi felt exhausted. Crow: YOU feel exhausted. I suddenly feel the need for a cigarette. >He'd never really gone through anything like this before, and didn't >realize how tiring it was. Looking up, he saw Belldandy's face >smiling at him. Allegra (Belldandy): I'm ready now, Keiichi. >That smile was what made him love her, more than anything else. He >attempted to smile back, but the best he could manage was a goofy >grin. Mike: Daah...whazzit good fer you... >"Kei-chan, that was wonderful. I don't think I've ever felt such >pleasure before. Thank you." Belldandy was amused to find that even >though they had made love, Keiichi was still blushing at her words. >"Kei-chan! Are you still embarrassed at the thought of being with >me?" Tom (Keiichi): No, it's just that Urd is watching us from that TV screen over there, and she's holding a camcorder. >Keiichi felt himself flush more. "No, of course not...it's just >that..." Mike (Keiichi): I think I broke something. Allegra: He did. Mike: Huh? Allegra: Think about it, Nelson. Mike: But...oh. (facefault) Allegra: Revenge is sweet. >Belldandy grinned, and began to clench her muscles, Mike, Tom, and Crow: OW! >bringing his penis back up to full strength. Mike: Nearly tearing it off! >"Well, then, we'll just have to do this again and again until you're >not embarrassed any more." She giggled as his eyes bugged out, and >stopped any protest he might have made with a kiss. Allegra: Ever heard the term "killed with kindness," Belldandy? Crow: Yeah, but what a way to go! >*** Tom: I'm sure Keiichi is seeing lots of stars about now. >Urd was annoyed. Allegra (Urd): Belldandy's getting laid and I'm not! >She'd been having a great conversation with Thor about Tom: Why his graphic novel sucked... Allegra: Graphic novel? Oh, you mean comic book... Tom: Allegra...we need to talk. >the influence of alcohol in human history Mike: This story is one good example. >when she noticed that Megumi was no longer at the bar. "Now didn't I >tell that kid to stay put? That's the problem with kids today, nobody >listens..." >The barman looked up. All: NORM!!! >"If you're talking about the mortal that was here a while ago, I think >she left with one of the gods. I dunno, seemed to be pretty happy to >me." >Urd frowned. Now why would Megumi go off with a god? Mike: Why is there sex in heaven? How should we know? >Urd had told her again and again how dangerous this place was. Crow: Y'know, if heaven is dangerous, it doesn't give you much to hope for. >"Do you know who it was?" >The barman shrugged, and turned to his assistant. "Hey, Jake, do you >know who that mortal went off with?" Mike (Jake): We have mortals up here now? >The assistant, a stringy guy who was tuning up a guitar, Tom: Play "Smoke On the Water!" >piped up, "Yeah, of course. It was Loki. Hard to forget a guy like >that." Crow: Given that loud-ass green and yellow outfit with the Sasami-hair horns... Allegra: Wait a second. Loki is a trickster, but he's also the Norse god of evil. What the hell--pun intended--is he doing in heaven? Mike: We didn't write this. Don't ask us. >At the mention of Loki's name, Urd turned white as a sheet. Allegra: Whoa, it wiped out her tan, even! >Her hands clenched and unclenched as she stood for a moment not >knowing where to turn. Fortunately, this didn't last long. "Shit, >fuck, SHIT, **FUCK**!" she shouted, and Mike: Kami-sama smote her hard for using such language in heaven. >leapt over the counter and into the television, vanishing from sight. >*** Tom (Darth Vader): I'm on the leader. >Megumi awoke slowly, wondering when she had fallen asleep in the first >place. Recollection came flooding back to her, Allegra: "It's all coming back to me..." Mike: Please, no, no Celine Dion. >and she attempted to get up, only to realize that she was immobilized >somehow. >"Ah, I see we've decided to get up. Crow (Loki): Are we awake? Allegra (Megumi): I don't know...are we a Norse god of trickery? Crow (Loki): Yes, we are. Allegra (Megumi): Then we're awake. Tom: The Blazing Saddles/Ah My Goddess crossover riff, ladies and gentlemen! And they said it couldn't be done! >Good, what's the point of a captive audience if they're not awake to >appreciate their position?" Crow: Uh oh. Even I worry when I hear a statement like that. >Megumi's head snapped around. Tom: >CRUNCH< >The man she had met at the bar, with the strangely hypnotic eyes, was >standing beside her. To her embarrassment, he was now naked, Mike, Tom, and Crow: AW, YUCK! Allegra: You said it. Even I'm not impressed. >and had lost much of the charm and handsomeness that had drawn her to >him. She noticed that she appeared to be bound tightly to a rock >slab, and hovering above her head were (she paled) several dozen >snakes, all looking down at her greedily. Tom (Bugs Bunny): "Welcome to my shop/Let me cut your mop/Let me trim your crop!" All: "DAAAAAINTLY!" >"Please, allow me to introduce myself. Mike: I am Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius. >Loki, at your service. Allegra: Ah, he's low-key. I get it. >A man with wealth, but no taste. Crow: At least he's being honest now. >And you would be Megumi Morisato, the sister of Keiichi. Allegra (Megumi): I'd better be, or Mrs. Morisato's in for one hell of a surprise. >The pleasure is all mine, as I'm sure you've noticed by now." Crow (Megumi): Oh, so that's what that is between your legs there, stubby. >There was none of the earlier warmth in his voice, and he seemed to be >openly sneering at her. Tom: Sneer sneer sneer! >"Wh...why are you doing this?" she managed to ask. >"Why? Mike: Why ask why? >Oh, a reason, let me think. Maybe it's because of your brother's >marriage to Belldandy. Yes, that sounds good. I had a crush on Belldandy from a long time back, and she threw me over for a mortal, Allegra: Oh, I see. Loki is actually the patron god of frustrated fanboys. >so I'm seeking me revenge. Crow (Loki): And me lucky charms! >Or maybe it's you; maybe I've seen the future where you solve the >world's problems, and have kidnapped you in order to make sure it >never happens." Mike: This is as if Tim Burton had directed the Terminator movies instead of James Cameron. >He leant right over her face, and Megumi shuddered. Allegra (Bugs Bunny): You've been eatin' onions! >"Or maybe, just possibly, it's because I'm an utter bastard who >doesn't need a reason. Tom: That's true. I mean, Loki was a bastard son of Odin, and that's why he resented Thor... Crow: Yes, how nice. Thank you, Professor Servo. Tom: Shut up. >Could be, hmmm?" Mike: Oh, great. Now HE'S doing Bugs Bunny riffs. >Megumi, almost frightened beyond belief, still attempted to fight back >with whatever spark remained in her. "They won't let you do this to me. Urd or Skuld will find me." Allegra (Megumi): I'll have been raped and probably burned to a crisp, but they'll find me! >Loki laughed uproariously. Mike: Ha. >"Skuld? I'd love to see that child go up against me. I'd stick that >hammer where she's only dreamed of. Tom: In Keiichi's skull? >And as for Urd, that drunken slut wouldn't bother to save you. She >only thinks of herself. Surely you've noticed that." Allegra (Megumi): No, actually, knowing her, she'd probably say my bonds aren't tight enough. >Megumi noticed Loki's eyes wandering around the room, as if he were >looking for something. Mike: Crap. He's on to us, guys. >"I'm getting bored," he yawned. "Time to make this more >interesting." And with that, he produced a very large, deadly looking >knife. Tom: It's Loki's Basic Matter Separator! >For a moment, Megumi thought that he was going to kill her. Mike: Hey, we don't do snuff flicks, buddy! >Then, systematically, he began cutting her clothing away from her >body. "Can't let your brother have all the fun, eh?" Crow: Hey, Keiichi could have used that knife a few pages back when he couldn't figure out Belldandy's bra. >Megumi, finally overcome with fear, fainted. Allegra: Allegra, finally overcome with rage, charged the screen and ripped it to shreds. Mike: Mike, finally overcome with boredom, went to sleep. Crow: Crow, finally overcome with lust, simply decided to go back to becoming a hentai freak again. Tom: Tom, finally overcome with Crow, seriously considered opening an airlock sometime. >*** >As Megumi passed out, Loki put the knife away. Mike: Oh, so that's what the kids are calling it these days. >He loosened her bonds Crow (Loki): Got all the fun I'm gonna get out of that one. >and arranged her in a more interesting position, so it might look as >if something more had happened. Then, tightening the ropes again, he >slowly looked up. "Five...four...three...two...one..." All: CONTACT! >Urd shot forwards, coming at him with a long sword that almost dwarfed >her body. Allegra (appearing as Tenchi): That's funny. I thought I left the Light Hawk sword under my bed. >Loki easily ducked out of the way, and came up again a little closer >to Megumi. "At last. You know, I was beginning to think you wouldn't >join my little party. What seems to be the matter? Are you upset?" Mike: What makes you think that, Loki? >Urd's eyes seemed to be glowing red. Tom: She must be allergic to Loki. Crow: If that's the case, then she could take some Allegra for it. Allegra: I just KNEW that joke was gonna come up sooner or later. They could have named that medication anything else, but NOOO... >"You will let Megumi go, and then I am going to beat you bloody." Mike: Shouldn't that be "or I will beat you bloody"? She's not giving Loki much room for negotiation here. >Loki looked back, seemingly surprised. "Oh, that's right! I had >almost forgotten about her. To tell you the truth, I could care less >what happens to her. It's you that I wanted to see." Allegra (Urd): I told you I'd call you! Crow (Loki): Yeah, but that was five thousand years ago! >Urd made another attack, which Loki evaded a little less quickly. "If >you wanted to talk to me, this wasn't the way to get my attention." Tom (Loki): You never answer your email, so I didn't have much choice! >Loki grinned. "Of course it was. Or have you forgotten who I am, >Urd? Allegra (Urd): Um...well, actually, yes. >I certainly wouldn't stoop as low as to come to you directly. No, the >feint, the clever trick, that would send you running. After all, she >was simply sitting unguarded. It's not as if you were watching over >her..." Mike: It's a good thing that God is watching us, because the goddesses don't seem to be. >A flush came to Urd's cheeks, as she realized the truth in Loki's >words. Suddenly she heard a cry. All: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Allegra: Guys, we did that riff last time. Crow: Yeah, but it's a classic. >Megumi had regained consciousness and was whimpering faintly, looking >down at what Loki had done. "What have you done to her, asshole?" Urd >growled. Crow (Loki): But I didn't do anything to her a-- Allegra (grabbing Crow by the neck): The windup...the PITCH... Crow (in Happosai voice): I'll...I'll be good... >Loki was unruffled. Tom: He doesn't have ridges. >"Oh, she probably thinks I've raped her or something else terrifyingly >obvious. Fear not, young mortal, your virginity is still intact. I >needed to give the right mood, though...and may I say, dear, that you >make a wonderful sacrificial victim." Mike: I bet he says that to all the girls. >Megumi's eyes were a mixture of revulsion, fear, and relief. Allegra (Megumi): EWW! AIEE!! Whew! >Urd needed to get control of the situation, this was getting nowhere. >"And now that you've gotten my attention, what do you want?" Tom (Loki): A little song, a little dance...your head impaled on a lance. Allegra (Urd): Well, okay, but there's a six-day waiting period for the lance. >Loki turned to her again. "Ah, yes. You know, Urd, we used to chat >all the time. Tom (Loki): But then the internet company cut me off. >It was one of my favorite things. But now that you're down on the >surface...you never call, you never write. Mike: And that should be your first clue, pal. >We've been worried sick, you know. Afraid you'll catch all sorts of >things down there." Crow: Even I don't want to know what Urd might catch. >"Get to the point!" Urd hated Loki's roundabout way of talking. >Loki's eyes flashed. "Fine, for just this once, I will be blunt. >What's happened to you, Urd? I've been watching you for the past two >years. Tom (Loki): So explain the whole Mini-Goddess thing to me! >You used to be fun. I remember when you went down in the first place. >Simple, you said. Just give the kid a potion, he'd fuck your sister's >brains out, back by morning." Mike: Nice to know that Urd is so concerned about Belldandy's virtue. >Urd, reluctantly, felt a need to defend herself. "Well, Kami-sama >suspended my license. I couldn't come back." Crow: Too many FUIs. Allegra: FUIs? Crow: Flying Under the Influence. Allegra: Ah. >"I'm not talking about that!" Loki snapped. "What happened to the Urd >that was half-demon? Tom: Washu turned her into Ryoko. >The Urd that slept with whoever she felt like, caroused all night? Allegra: She woke up naked in Shinjuku with a box of catnip and a Barbie doll. >I remember your finest moment. You went down to Osaka..." Mike: She went down, down, down, until the flames got higher. >"Stop." Urd nodded at Megumi. "I don't want this brought up in front >of her." >"And why not? Tom (Urd): Because she writes for the Enquirer! >She probably thinks that you're her friend or something dreadful like >that. Well, my dear, your friend Urd decided to go down, find this >pathetic wretch with nothing to recommend him except his faith in the >gods. She then proceeded to have wild, tantric sex with him for three >straight nights." Allegra: So THAT'S what Legend of the Overfiend was about... Mike: Allegra, never, NEVER mention that series again. Allegra: Dr. F sent that one to you, huh? Crow: No, Dr. F has SOME standards. >Megumi as embarrassed. "So what? I mean, we knew that Urd was >wild..." >"Yes, but did you know how wild?" Mike: She was born to be wild. Crow: No, she's a real wild child. Tom: I always saw her as a wild thing. Allegra: Er... >"SHUT UP!" Allegra: Yes, thank you! Couldn't have said it better myself. >Urd tried to come at him with the sword again. This time, he tripped >her up, sending her sprawling. Tom: Hi-keeba! >Then he turned back to Megumi. Mike (Loki): Darth Maul ain't got nothin' on me. >"At the end of the third day, she told him that such ecstasy must have >a price, and demanded both his eyes as payment. And he gave them >gladly. Crow: Mainly because the poor bastard was dead! >After all, he believed in the gods without question. Just ripped out >his eyes, and gave them to her. I think they're still in her room, if >you want to take the *full* tour. Tom: Urd IS Hannibal Lecter in "Silence of the Goddesses!" >Megumi, horrified, looked over at Urd, expecting her to hotly deny the >accusation. But Urd only stood there, looking down to avoid looking >into Megumi's eyes. Allegra (Urd): Must...not...poke out...eyes... >Urd murmured, "I was young. I mean, we all do things we regret when >you're young." Mike: Yeah, well, I shoplifted once, but I didn't rip the convience store clerk's eyes out too! >Loki turned back to her again. "Why do you regret it? It's what you >are, Urd. Belldandy's the nice one, Skuld's the ditsy one, and you're >the nasty one. When did you suddenly start to be so ashamed of >yourself, Urd?" Allegra (Urd): I hate being typecast! You know how tough it is to get good parts in this town? >Urd was silent. Crow: But deadly. >She hadn't really asked herself that question, had never actually >faced up to it. Loki continued. "I'll tell you why. Because you've >allowed the mortals on Earth to change your ethics. Tom (Loki): Responsibility, politeness, feelings...what did they DO to you, Urd? >You're feeling guilt, and that's not good. Why do you think you've >been so depressed lately, Urd? Because you know that being a good >person is not only dull, but *wrong*. Wrong for you. Your entire >being is rebelling against you, Urd." Mike (snaps fingers): That's it! Tom: What? Mike: I've figured out who Loki is! Tom: Well duh, he's the Norse god of-- Mike: No, no. It's Q! Allegra, Tom, and Crow: Q?! Mike: Yeah, just listen to him... >He sat down next to Megumi, and cocked his head. Crow: Look out! He doesn't have the safety on that! >"My last hope was when you invited her up to the heavens with you. >Ah, I thought, she's going to seduce the sister. Wouldn't that make >for a nice, twisted family tree? But no, you just wanted to show her >around, didn't you? You're a tour guide. You're dull, and you're >boring. Mike (Loki): You're a working class fool, Urd! >You've joined your sisters in a slide towards stability. It's not >you, Urd. Tom: By jove, Mike, you're right! It IS Q! >Come back to us. Be happy again." Tom (Loki): Join me, Urd! Belldandy has forseen this! Join me and we shall rule heaven as...well, something. >Megumi looked over at Urd. Allegra (Megumi): Hold out for more money, Urd! >She was standing very still, looking right into Loki's eyes. Megumi >realized, with a start, that Urd was genuinely considering Loki's >offer. "Urd, NO!" she cried. Crow (Megumi): Don't be happy! Be miserable! >Loki looked at Megumi and grinned. "Tell you what. Here's your >chance. We have here before us a mortal, tied up and semi-naked. Allegra: Semi-naked? Crow: She's still got toenail polish on. Allegra: Oh, okay. >Fairly attractive, I suppose. Mike: Ouch. Nice blow to the old ego there. >I want you to take her, right here. Drive her insensate with passion. >The old Urd, the lover, the seducer. You can do it. Tom (Cajun guy in Waterboy): You can do it! >I'll even give you an out, we can erase her memory. Mike: Think you can maybe erase ours, too? >She can go back home to your sedate little life, forgetting that >anything ever happened." He paused, and drove home one last point. >"The old Urd wouldn't even have paused." Allegra (Urd): I'm thinking, dammit! It isn't easy, you know. >Megumi's entire world seemed to be centered on Urd. Mike: Oh, no, don't tell me. Lemon cliche #2: All anime girls are secretly bi. Crow: Is that #2? I thought that was #3. Mike: I can't remember...we've got it written down around here somewhere... >She couldn't see Urd's face, as her head was down low to the ground. Allegra: The answers aren't on the floor, Urd. Tom: Maybe she's reading the script. >But her body was shaking with tension, and for a moment Megumi feared >that Loki had won. >Then, slowly, Urd stood up, carefully picked up the sword, and looked >directly into Loki's eyes. Crow (Urd): Ooga booga. >"All right, why not? You're right, I haven't been very happy lately. >Maybe change is what I need." She looked over at a horrified Megumi. >"Sorry, kiddo." Mike (Urd): Got to make the donuts. >Urd got up and removed her clothes, one by one. Crow: Hot damn! Fanservice! Allegra (yelling at the ceiling): Frank, you lying bastard! I'll get you for this! >Loki smiled nearby. "Ah, at least you've been keeping yourself fit, I >see." Mike: Damn. For once I'm in total agreement with the fic. Crow: Yes, Urd is a hottie with a capital H. Allegra (mumbling): First, I'll break his fingers. Then I'll scalp him. Then I'll... >Urd said nothing, merely climbing up onto the slab where Megumi lay. Tom (Urd): Hi. Comfortable? >Looking down, she saw Megumi slowly sobbing, utterly helpless at her >feet. She looked over and saw Loki's crafty grin. She looked up. Allegra (still mumbling): Then I'll boil him in his own fat. He'll be screaming for mercy. It'll be great! (Crow and Mike look at each other, then move away from Allegra.) >And saw the snakes. Tom: COOOBBBBRRAAA!!! >In a move so quick that even Loki didn't get a chance to react, Urd >had twisted one of the snakes around her arm. He snarled, realizing >that she'd tricked him, and started to move towards her again. A >stream of venom shot from the snake's fangs, and hit Loki square >between the eyes. He fell to the floor with a scream. Crow (Loki): I'm melllting! >Urd didn't even bother to check on him. She quickly untied Megumi, >and then got dressed. Allegra (still mumbling): Then I'll rip out his internal organs in alphabetical order! Yeah! Mike: Hey, uh, Allegra...it was all a trick. Urd was fooling Loki. Allegra: Oh. No lemon scene? Mike: Nope. Allegra: Oh. (blushes) Gee. Now I feel bad. Tom: Don't worry about it. Everything you mentioned Dr. F has already done to Frank. Twice. >Looking her over, she said, "Well, there doesn't appear to be any >physical damage, but Loki ruined a good set of clothes. C'mon, we'll >go back to my room and find you something." Crow: Of course, given Urd's taste in clothes, maybe you're better off staying naked. Tom: Not much difference, anyway. >Urd looked at Megumi, who was still trembling. "Hey, what's the >matter?" Allegra (Megumi): I was starting to get into it! >"It was all a trick, right?" Megumi said in a small voice. "I mean, >you just wanted to get to the snakes, right? Mike: What were the snakes there for, anyway? Tom: Decor and mood. We had to be assured Loki was evil with a capital E. >You weren't going along with him?" >Urd laughed. "Oh, *that*. Yeah, don't worry, it was all a trick. >I'd never do that sort of thing to you." Urd frowned, and began to >lead Megumi out of the chamber. >"At least, not anymore," she added quietly to herself. Tom (Urd): At least, not in this PARTICULAR fanfic. >*** >They had agreed to meet back at Yggdrasil before they went back. Urd >was amused when she caught sight of them. "Keiichi, you look a little >tired. Don't tell me you haven't been getting your rest." Mike (Keiichi): Urd, you have to save me! Help! Allegra (Belldandy): Get back here, Keiichi! There's still 47 Kama Sutra positions we haven't done yet! >If Urd expected Keiichi to blush, she was disappointed. "Well, I have >been up awfully late this past week, but I've never felt more relaxed. >So it must be your imagination." >Megumi was also surprised at Keiichi. "What's the matter with you, >brother? Tom: O Brother, Where Art Thou? >Usually you'd be totally red by now." >Keiichi and Belldandy exchanged knowing looks. "Belldandy's been >trying to cure me of that. It's working so far." Crow: She's drained the poor guy! Mike: Lucky dog! >Megumi wisely chose to say nothing. She had spent most of the rest of >the week recovering from her ordeal. Urd had helped, and they had had >several long talks. Allegra: And several six-packs. >Megumi felt that she knew Urd a lot better now, and hoped that they >could become friends. She looked over at Urd, who was once again lost >in her own thoughts. Crow: Which we'll censor for the audience's protection. >Then she thought of something else. "Hey, where's Skuld?" >That snapped Urd out of her reverie. "Yeah, where's Kenji, more >importantly? Those two haven't been seen in a week." >Belldandy smiled politely. "They must still be in her room. Mike: Oh, sure. It's not like Loki could kidnap them or anything... >We should probably go and get them, it's getting late." >Urd glared at her, and the four of them went to Skuld's room. The >door was locked, however, and when Urd knocked, Tom: The security system let her have it. >she only heard an insensate moaning from within. Crow: Say WHAT? Mike: Oh, no...no, no, no... >"What the hell's going on in there?" Urd screamed, and proceeded to >break the door down. Tom (John Wayne): There'll be no locked doors in this relationship! >They were left stunned at the sight before them. Mike: He wouldn't. >"Oh, *yuck*!" was all Megumi could manage. Tom: He couldn't. >The floor was soaked, and they could see Kenji off to the side, >unconscious, with a sticky white fluid dribbling out of his mouth. Crow: He shouldn't. >Over by the bed, Skuld was still moaning deliriously. Allegra: Okay. All that stuff I said I'd do to Frank? I'm just going to transfer all that to the author. >"Ice creeeeam...ice creeeam." All: HUH? >Keiichi looked up at the appliance that seemed to dwarf the room. "I >didn't realize that Skuld had an ice cream machine in her room." >Urd stood with her mouth open in shock. "Neither did I." Crow: Going to take it all back again, Allegra? Allegra: Hell, no. He deserves it for all these damn plot twists. >*** >It was midnight, Crow: In the garden of good and evil. >and Belldandy had just made Keiichi a special midnight snack. Mike: Not oysters again. >They'd arrived back at the temple too late for supper, and Urd had >gone with Megumi to see that she got home alright. Tom: That's her excuse, anyway. >Skuld, suffering from an acute case of overeating, had gone to bed, >and Kenji had staggered back to his house. Therefore, the two of them >were alone in the house. >Keiichi looked up. "Bell-chan, you didn't need to do this." >"Kei-chan, just because we are no longer bound by contract doesn't >mean that I'm going to stop cooking for you, or cleaning, or doing all >the other things I do. I love you, Kei-chan. Allow me this one >little fault." Mike: Keiichi, shut up! Any man would kill to have a wife with those faults! >Keiichi looked at her, and then smiled. "All right, but I'm going to >cook breakfast tomorrow. And you're going to eat it, and you're going >to love it. Crow (Sylvester the Cat): You'll eat your porridge, and LIKE it! Allegra: I see Keiichi is trying to establish that he wears the pants in this marriage. Yeah, right. >And you're not going to complain once that you should be doing this." >Belldandy smiled. "All right. But only if you feel like getting up >to make breakfast." >Keiichi was puzzled. Tom: There's a new development. >"Why wouldn't I?" Allegra (Belldandy): Because tonight I'm tying you up! BWAH HA HA HA! >Belldandy grinned, took his hand, and headed for their room. >"Exhaustion," she said. Mike: Man, some guys have all the luck. Allegra: Some girls, too. Tom: People and bots, I do believe the fic is over. Crow: Good. Let's get out of here. (Door sequence...I wonder what would happen if Door 4 got stuck?) Frank had dutifully reported to Dr. Forrester that Allegra was close to cracking, though he carefully left out the warning he gave to her. Forrester was none the wiser, and activated the viewscreen as soon as he could. To his surprise, the only ones on the bridge were Tom and Crow. "Good evening, fugitives from the Island of Lost Toys!" Neither robot answered, looking down. Forrester turned up the volume. "I SAID, HELLO, TIN-PLATED IDIOTS!" Crow looked up, and pulled off his headphones. "Oh, hey, Dr. F. Sorry, we're just listening to some music for anime videos." Tom shrugged off his headphones as well. "Yeah. Hey, do you guys know anything that would work for Area 88?" Frank came into the picture. "How about 'Mighty Wings' from the Top Gun soundtrack?" Crow poked Tom with his beak. "How come WE didn't think about that? That's perfect! Thanks, Frank!" Forrester elbowed Frank out of the picture. "Yes, that's nice. So where's Maverick and Goose?" "Oh, you mean Mike and Allegra? They're in the Holocabana," Tom replied. Forrester's eyebrows rose. "Oh? And WHAT are they doing in there?" "It's not what you think, Dr. F. Mike would never do a thing like that with Allegra." Tom looked at Crow. "Crow...you don't think..." Crow shook his head. "Mike? Nah. Classic romantic." He looked back to Dr. Forrester. "They're running the Rick's Cafe Americain sim. Mike is taking Allegra out on a date." Forrester sighed. "So she didn't break, did she?" "Nope." Forrester looked defeated for a moment, but then he brightened. "Ahh, I know what I did wrong! This was too TAME a lemon. It wasn't even a lemon, more a...citrus. Next time, I'll pull out the stops! Yes...as I recall, there's a Oscarfic or a Marissa lemon around here somewhere I haven't sent..." He grinned evilly at the robots. "Bide your time, bots! I will find a fic that will smash ALL your minds! HA HA HA HA!!!" Tom and Crow had their earphones back on. "Is he strong/Listen bud/He's got radioactive blood/Can he swing on a thread/Take a look overhead..." "Hmpf." Forrester said, then closed the viewscreen. "Another drink, Rick?" Mike looked up at the bartender. "No, I'm good." The bartender smiled. "Just one drink, Rick? That's strange. Mike adjusted his fedora. "Not tonight. I have to drive." The bartender looked towards the door. "Or maybe you're meeting someone, eh?" Mike turned around. Standing in the doorway was a young woman, dressed in a trenchcoat thrown over a blue pinstriped blouse. A hat was pulled down over her eyes, exposing only her ruby red lips. Her legs were clad in brown nylon, and she wore delicate high heels. As the woman raised her head, Mike caught a flash of black hair falling in a single ponytail down her back and jade eyes. "In all of the gin joints in the world, she had to walk into mine..." Allegra took a step into the Cafe, and promptly fell off her heels. She crashed to the floor, and let loose a blistering stream of profanity that caused Sam to miss more than a few notes. Mike covered his eyes. FWOOSH! Whew! Done. Thanks to Tim for letting me read his story, and thanks to Kyle, and the boys at Crackhead Otakus, for beta testing this, and (as always) the folks at Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings for putting up with me. Danke schon, domo arigato, etc. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains, Inc. Oh My Goddess is owned by Pioneer and Kosuke Fujishima. "By Union of a Wish," "Proposal at Last," and "On the Eve of the Future" is the property of Tim Murphy. Allegra is property of Ben Da Mad Irishman, dammit! Didja like it? Send comments to slanderscree5@hotmail.com! I'd love to hear from you. (Dons flameproof Elemental armor.) >"Ice creeeeam...ice creeeam."