Dr. Clayton Forrester paced up and down the floor of Deep13, wondering how best to deal with the new situation on the Satellite of Love. Thanks to his less-than-brilliant henchman, TV's Frank, the SOL now had another occupant besides Mike Nelson and his robot companions. She was a female vampire/werewolf/something named Allegra. She could not be threatened with the oxygen being cut off, and since she had found a source of synthetic blood, threatening to kill off her food source--Mike--was not going to work either. Forrester briefly mused over just where she was getting the blood from, but then decided to relax about that and other science facts. It wasn't important. What was important was that now he had two test subjects to drive mad, but he wasn't sure about just how to go about it. In mid-pace, he stopped, one finger going into the air. He then smirked evilly. "Oh, Clayton, you EVIL genius, you. Of course! Simple as breathing...or not breathing! Ha! Frank! Get over here!" TV's Frank arrived, his head still bandaged from the bludgeoning he had gotten as punishment. "Yes, Dr. F?" He recognized the look of unholy joy on Forrester's face and gulped. "You're not going to beat me again, are you?" "Why, no, Frank...why would I do that?" He put an arm around the henchman's shoulder. "I've just solved the age-old problem of how to kill two birds with one stone!" "Good aim?" Forrester let go of Frank, who crashed to the floor. "No, stupid. Do you remember from the last fic we sent them, how Allegra got so upset when Crow accused her of being a virgin?" Frank unsteadily got to his feet. "Uh, yeah. She was really upset. She chucked Crow through the entire door sequence. The nanites had a heck of a time fixing the damage." "Exactly! So, what better way of driving our young vampiress...werewolfess...well, whatever she is...totally insane, by confronting her with what she's been missing! At the same time, we'll drive Mike berserk, cause that golden fool Crow to go into hentai overdrive, and perhaps even get the fireplug Servo to explode!" Forrester grinned maniacally. "What do you think of that, Frank?" Frank knew that if he disagreed, he was in for a lot of pain, so he nodded enthusiastically. "It'll work for sure this time, Dr. F!" He wondered if he should keep going, but he was a henchman, and good henchmen sometimes had to advise their masters. "There's only one problem." Forrester, who was admiring his profile in a convienient mirror, whirled on Frank. "And WHAT would that be?" "Well, um, Crow has been trying to kick his hentai habit. Apparently Mike threatened to cut off his internet privledges if he didn't cut back." "Frank...Frank...you poor, poor fool. I know that." Forrester's grin widened to epic proportions. "I planned on it..." The inhabitants of the SOL, meanwhile, were blissfully unaware of Forrester's evil plan. (Okay, they knew something was going to happen, but not exactly what. Shut up and read.) In the Holocabana, which was now projecting the image of a lounge, Mike and Tom Servo sat on overstuffed chairs in the far corners. In the center, Crow sat on a wheeled chair, facing them. "Ready, Crow?" Mike asked. "Absolutely, Mike. I've beaten this, I tell you! Crow T. Robot is hentai free!" "We'll see," Tom said darkly. "We're pulling out all the stops this time, Crow." "I can take anything you throw at me, Tommy boy! Let 'er rip!" "Okay, Crow, you asked for it! Turn around!" Mike ordered in his best command voice. Crow obediently whirled around in the chair to face the entrance to the room. "Contestant Number One, come on down!" With that, Serena, aka Sailor Moon, swished into the room. "Oh, hello, Mr. Crow!" she said brightly. She walked towards him. "It's my new sailor fuku! You like it?" "It's okay," Crow said evenly. "Just okay?" She pirouetted in front of him, exposing shapely legs and the hint of her cotton panties. "Don't you want a closer look?" "Nope. I can see fine." "Take off, Serena," Tom said. Serena sashayed out. Crow glanced at Mike over his shoulder. "C'mon, Mike! That was too easy! Send me something tough!" "Ask and you shall recieve. Ready?" Mike called out. "Gimme a second, dammit!" There was the sound of fabric rustling, then into the room walked girl-type Ranma, dressed in a barely-there red bikini. "What do you think about THIS, Crow?" she asked. "Fire engine red, baby!" "Yeah, you look great," Crow mock-yawned. "But if Happosai can resist, so can I." "Really? You sure you don't want to check out my thong?" Ranma turned around slowly. "Yes, very nice." "Okay, Ran-chan. Let's up this to Level Three! Quick change!" Mike motioned to the door, and Ranma, her nose in the air, walked out. Crow leaned back in the chair. "I'm telling you, Mike, I've triumphed! There's nothing you can do!" "Not so fast. Next!" There was silence. Mike called out again. "Ahem. NEXT!" "NO!" shrilled a female voice from the hallway. "I draw the line at this, Mike! Absolutely NOT!" "Ah, c'mon Allegra. It's for a good cause." "Then you and Tom avert your eyes! I catch you peeking, and you're both dead!" Mike sighed, and turned around. Tom did the same, hovering in place. Crow readied himself; whatever was coming was going to be a toughie. Into the room walked a very uncomfortable looking Miko Mido. Crow's eyes widened. She was wearing her traditional outfit of extremely short skirt, V-necked blouse, and outlandish hair ribbon. "Hi," Miko said with forced cheer. "I suppose you want to ogle me." "Er..." Crow gained control. "No, that's okay. I'm good." "Well, that's that!" Miko began to back out of the room. "Oh, no, Allegra!" Mike said, still facing away. "You agreed to this. The whole schmear." "Oh, Mother Gaia. Do I HAVE to?" "Yes." "You'd better appreciate this," she warned, then pitched her voice a little higher. "Oh, but Mr. Crow, don't you want to see what I'm not wearing underneath--" Crow's reply and any further display by Miko Mido was cut off by Gypsy, who stuck her head through the door. "Sorry to interrupt the reprogramming, boys, but the Mads are calling!" "Saved by the bell!" Miko Mido's form wavered and shifted to Allegra's, hair going from purple to black, and her body becoming less voluptous. The clothes remained, and Allegra vainly tried to pull the dress lower. She cautiously headed for the bridge, moving slowly. Mike and the Bots got there first. Mike patiently waited for her, then pressed the blinking red button. Dr. Forrester and Frank came on the viewscreen. "Oh, hello, my wonderful rats in a cage! And my, Allegra, don't you look ravishing today!" "Bite me," Allegra snarled. "That's my line!" Crow protested. "Funny you should be wearing the costume of La Blue Girl," Forrester grinned, then theatrically sniffed the air. "Why, Frank, what is that I smell?" Frank sniffed the air as well. "Why, Dr. F! It smells like...lemon!" Mike covered his face in his hands. "Oh, no...we just had a lemon two weeks ago." "Two very short weeks!" Forrester replied. "Besides, SO much has changed since then...and I'm curious how my new addition to your merry band will react." Mike looked at Allegra. "You ever read lemons?" "Uh...no comment." Allegra blushed. "Well, if you haven't, you're getting one now!" Forrester said triumphantly. "And in the interest of more deep hurting, today's fic is called 'By Union of a Wish,' and it's an Oh My Goddess romance lemon!" "Isn't that an oxymoron?" Crow asked. "It just means we have to wait for the sex. Nothing is sacred, is it Mike?" Tom said. Mike rolled his eyes. "Plenty of time for that later, Nelson! Send 'em the fic, Frank!" "Yes, sir!" Frank replied. "Fic uploading now commencing!" Allegra faced Forrester squarely. "Your ass is grass, Forrester. And I have the lawnmower." Forrester shook his finger. "Ah, ah, Allegra. Such bad words. And before you get any ideas of not going into that theater, I should warn you that the SOL is approaching the terminator...which means that the sun is coming up. As you're not wearing Sun Block 20,000--or much else for that matter--I think you'd better seek the air-conditioned comfort of the theater! BWAH HA HA HA!!" Lights promptly began to warble and klaxons blared. "WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!" everyone shouted, running in circles. Allegra faded from sight. (Door 6: It's a coffin lid. You open it and hop in.) (Door 5: It's a wall of straw. You huff and puff and blow it all down.) (Door 4: It's a wall of brick. Since you can't blow it down, you blow it up.) (Door 3: It's a door. Just a plain old door. You just walk through.) (Door 2: It's a metal door. You say "Shh!" and it opens.) (Door 1: It's a guillotine. Luckily, you have your Grimtooth's manual and avoid the trap.) (Tom takes the leftmost seat, Mike the middle, Allegra fades in next to him on his right--now dressed in a jumpsuit--and Crow sits next to her.) Mike: I'm glad you changed. This one's going to be rough enough. Allegra: I still can't believe I agreed to that. Talk about drafty. Tom: Mike? Is my box of spare heads around? I think I'm gonna need them. Crow: Hey, we can handle this! This'll work out great for me! It's like a final exam. Mike: You're way too enthusiastic, Crow. Crow: Well, I did miss what Allegra was not wearing under her Miko Mido outfit... Allegra: I don't think the therapy's holding, Mike. >By Union of a Wish Mike: A union by the people and for the people. >An AAH! Allegra: Holy cow! Not even into the fic and the author's been shot! >My Goddess Allegra: Oh. >Fanfiction >By Timothy Murphy All: Hi, Tim! >Prologue Crow: Four score and seven years ago... Tom: Never thought we'd get to use our Civil War riffs. >Three years ago in the small suburb of Nekomi, Japan, Tom: There lived a hobbit. >a young lad of 17 years lived a rather pathetic existence. Allegra: Gee. What a wonderfully upbeat beginning to a story. >Keiichi Morisato was practically a lapdog for his upperclassmen >"friends". All: "I'll be there for you..." >Whenever they needed something mundane, stupid, complicated, or even >dangerous done, they would always call upon young Keiichi. Mike (upperclassman): Hey, Keiichi! Walk this way! Crow (upperclassman): Hey, Keiichi! Stick your finger in this socket! Tom (upperclassman): Hey, Keiichi! Explain Einstein's theory of relativity in less than forty words! Allegra (upperclasswoman): Hey, Keiichi! Hold these two pieces of plutonium together and bash 'em together really hard! Crow: I already did stupid. Allegra: Yeah, but you can theoretically survive sticking your finger in a socket. >Being a shy, unconfident boy, Mike: Not to mention moronic... >he never went against their ways. Also due to his shyness was a >complete lack of an ability to deal with women. Crow: Hey, Mike! Sound familiar? Mike: Zip it. >This may, however, have been attributed to the smothering nature in >which his mother raised him. Tom: Freud would have a ball with this. >Keiichi had had a relationship with a woman before, but Sayako seemed >to be rather cold and distant to him. Allegra (Sayako): On your knees, peasant! >Keiichi got the impression she was using him. Crow: Of course, he didn't exactly mind being used. >They were together for a while before she tore his heart out by >fooling around with another guy. Tom: Ken, Fist of the North Star. You thought we were being allegorical about the "tore the heart out" line, huh? >This did not help him in his self-esteem department. Eventually >Keiichi saw himself as a person no woman would ever want, or even >spend time with. Allegra: Snif...poor guy. That's pretty sad... Mike: Allegra! Hey, girl, stay frosty. We can do this. Allegra: I know...it just kinda gets to me... >One day, Keiichi's sempai (upperclassmen) had told him it was his day >to order food for lunch. Unfortunately, Tom: Keiichi finally snapped. Mike: I see Tom's off to a nice and dark start. >it was after 2:00, so all the nearby places had closed up for the day, Crow: Doesn't anybody work late in Japan? >and poor Keiichi didn't know of any places that would deliver to >Nekomi Tech's campus. Allegra: Well, using the last two pizza delivery guys as target practice didn't help. Mike: This is "Ah! My Goddess," Allegra. Not "Akira." Allegra: You've got a point. >When he presented them with this problem, his sempai simply threw a >phone book at him and Tom: Knocked him cold. >said "We trust you can find something in there, but remember, Ootaki >doesn't like fish!, So don't order any." >Like an obedient pet, Crow (Egor): Yesss, massster. Find brain, massster. >Keiichi started running thru the phone numbers of take out shops, fast >food joints, delivery services, and even the finer dining >establishments. Mike (delivery guy): Joe's Greasy Spoon! If it's still moving when you get it, it's free! >He was turned down on all fronts, Crow: Keiichi was pushed back hard by Pizza Hut, as his flank collapsed under the weight of McDonalds! Tom: All that cholesterol? I'm not surprised! >especially at the restaurants with "character" as they called. It >seemed as though the fraternity he was in had been kicked out of, not >paid bills at, or simply insulted the owners and patrons of every >eatery in town. Allegra: Oh, I see. This is the Japanese version of "Animal House." >Keiichi was in a panic. If he didn't get his friends some food, they'd >kill him. Mike: Damn. Rough school. >He quickly ran thru the numbers again. This time he kept running into >busy signals due to the fact most of the places had caller ID. Tom (delivery guy): Oh, crap! It's Nekomi Tech! Mike (delivery guy): Run! Save yourself! >Growing ever the more worried, Keiichi tried one last number. >Ring.......Ring..... Allegra: I have this sudden desire to sing Abba songs. >He was aghast, the phone was actually ringing. Crow (Keiichi): Ahh! The phone's possessed! >Ring.... Ring...."Hello! You have reached the Goddess Help line, earth >offices. One of our representatives will be with you shortly." Tom (Help Line): If you're Christian, press one. If you're Buddhist, press two. If you're Shinto, press three. Islamic, press four. Hindi, press five. If you subscribe to the Norse, Roman, Greek, or any other pantheon, stay on the line and some type of god will be with you in the order your call was recieved. >This was not what he was expecting. "I.. uhh.. must have a wrong >number..I'll hang up now." He got a very different response from the >other end of the line. Allegra (Help Line): Hang up, and we'll blow your head off. We know where you live now. >"You have been chosen to receive our highest service. Crow: All right, Keiichi. Quit dialing the 1-900 numbers. >One of our representatives will be with you momentarily. Thank you and >have a wonderful life." Mike: Why, thank you. >After that Keiichi heard the familiar dial tone that signified the end >of communication. What did the operator mean by "a representative will >be with you"? Allegra: Keiichi is a few fries short of a Happy Meal, isn't he? >And if that was true, why did she hang up on him? Crow: Uhm...they lied? >He didn't have long to puzzle over this, for nothing could have >prepared for what he saw next. Tom: It was Goku chasing Ryoko piloting a Gundam. Mike: Don't give anyone any ideas. >As he sat here, the mirror on the wall began to distort itself. Allegra: Big deal. Same thing happened on "Thundercats" all the time. >Then suddenly, a torso popped out of the mirror. All: AAAAHHHH!!! Mike: That's disgusting! >It was a female torso, Crow: Hey, now wait a minute. >with long flowing brown hair, a simple frame, and elegant white robes >with a fascinating pattern on the trim. Allegra: But since it had no head or limbs, Keiichi screamed in horror. >As Keiichi looked at this girl, he noticed some exotic markings on >here face. One the side of each eye and another round one in the >middle of her brow. Mike (Keiichi): Hey, let me get a towel. I can get those off. >Her hair seemed to float aloft on some unseen wind. All: "Dreeeaam weaver..." >He couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful she was, it seemed almost >inhuman. Then she spoke. Allegra (spooky voice): THERE IS NO DANA, ONLY ZOOR! Mike: Thanks, Allegra. Now that I've spotted myself... >"Greetings, Keiichi Morisato. I am Belldandy, Goddess 1st class, >Unlimited. Tom: Prepare to die. >You have been deemed worthy of having any one wish granted unto you. >What is it that you want most?" Crow (Keiichi): World peace, a stop to hunger, and peace among men. Allegra (Belldandy): Okay. Crow (Keiichi): And Lara Croft as my willing mistress. Allegra (Belldandy): That might be kinda tough. >Now, Keiichi wasn't crazy, as far as he knew, so he had to pinch >himself a few times. Mike: He stopped when he started bleeding profusely. >That failing to bring him to his senses, he thought that it may be >hunger pains. Tom: How long has he been calling around? >But, almost as if she'd read his mind she spoke again. Allegra (Lum): DARLING NO BAKA! >Zap!< >"No Keiichi~san, you are not insane, merely lucky to have a wish >granted. What is that which you would ask of me?" Mike: Don't even think about it, Crow. Crow: Mike! Ye of little faith. Mike: Just keeping an eye on you, buddy. >"You mean, you're real?" He stammered. Allegra (Belldandy): Yep! Wish fufilled! Bye! >"Yes, and you may ask me to fulfill any one wish you may have." Tom (Belldandy): And hurry up. The meter's running. >"I can really ask anything?" Allegra (Belldandy): Yes, but it can be in only words of one syllable. >"Yes, Keiichi, you can. It is the will of Kamisama (god). What is it >that you desire most in life?" Crow (Keiichi): What I desire most in life I don't think God would approve of. >Not knowing what he was doing, he went for the most outrageous and >implausible thing he could think of. Mike (Keiichi): I want all the politicians to be honest and forthright! Tom: And the world ended promptly thereafter. >"I wish for a beautiful girl like you to stay with me forever." Mike: But that'll work too. >At that, a beam of light shot forth from the symbol on Belldandy's >forehead and filled the room. Tom: Traaannns-MUTE! >A sudden gust of wind lifted her off the ground, along with her >elegant robes. Allegra: Quick, Crow! Look away! Crow: Too late. >A moment later, the room was calm once more. "Your wish has been >granted. I am now yours for eternity." All (Keiichi): HOODY HOO!!! >Keiichi didn't know what to other than show her the way to his home. Tom (Keiichi): Hi, Mom! I accidentally summoned a goddess or something for eternity and she followed me home. Can I keep her? >* * * Crow (Darth Vader): Close up formation. I'm on the leader. (Mike groans.) >Young Morisato didn't know what he'd gotten himself into when he made >that wish 5 months earlier, Allegra: I would imagine it was Belldandy. Mike: Huh? I don't...oh, yes I do. Well, at least you're more subtle than Crow. Crow: Hey! >but in that time he'd grown to love Belldandy, but he hadn't expressed >it to her. Tom (Bruce Wayne): "I'm Batman!" No..."I'm...Batman." No... >He was still too shy to do so. He was about to get a helping hand >later that day while Belldandy was out shopping with his sister >Megumi, Allegra: If this turns into a threesome, I'm ripping my way out of the theater with my bare claws. >who'd been stopping by the temple home often to enjoy Belldandy's >cooking. Mike (Megumi): Ugh! You call this soup, Belldandy? Allegra (Belldandy): No, Megumi-san. I call that dishwater. >His help, oddly enough, came to him in the mail. Crow: All praise Ed McMahon! >When he opened that small package, he found a tape with a title that >suggested it came from one of his perverted sempai. Tom (Keiichi): That Osama bin Laden! What a nut! >Seeing no harm in previewing the tapes, as no one was home at the >time, he went to his room and put it in the VCR. Crow: Ooh, Keiichi's a little hentai! Bad Keiichi! >He was shocked when the Platinum haired vixen on the tape stepped out >of the screen and into his room. He was equally shocked when she >kicked him across said room. Allegra (aforementioned platinum haired vixen): Fool! Didn't you see where it said "credit card only?" >"Who do you think you are leading my sister around like that?" she >thundered. Crow: Yeah! Who do you think you are! >Keiichi, recovering from the kick, took a while to survey his >situation. Mike (Keiichi): Let's see...I put in a porno tape, and this hot gal steps out of the TV and kicks me into the wall. Yep, something's not right here. >He was before a very voluptuous platinum haired bombshell in blue >robes similar to the ones Belldandy wore the day he made his wish. Crow: In other words, she was a hottie with a forward mount the Yamato would be proud of. >Only, the woman before seemed frustrated and confused at the same time >as opposed to Belldandy's demure, calm smile. Tom: She's Frantic, Frustrated, and Female. >"Um.. excuse me, but who are you?" he finally asked. Mike (Keiichi): And would you please call 911, as I've suffered massive trauma? >The vixen answered "I am Urd, Goddess 2nd class, Limited 3. Tom: She's has a three hour limit. >I am the goddess of the past and the cupid of love, Allegra: I always thought Cupid was a buck-naked baby. Crow: Give her time. >as well as Belldandy's older sister. Now, why haven't you told her how >you feel. She is wait for you to tell her." Mike (Urd): I now talk like stupid caveman. Ugh. >After that little meeting, Urd tried to help get Keiichi Tom: To the hospital... >and Belldandy together many times, usually involving some potion or a >spell of some sort. Crow: She tried a magical apple, the ninth love potion, and the elixir of Venus. >It never really seemed to work the way she wanted it to, but at least >they had found each other, and that was a small victory she guessed. >At least that demon Marler wasn't getting in the way to really screw >things up. Allegra: Bob Marley's a demon in this world? >But just in case, Urd decided to stay with Keiichi and Belldandy just >in case. Tom: Because you never know when the Department of Redundancy Department would show up. >Besides, since she wasn't supposed to be on Earth at the time anyway, >and had neglected her duties as the system administrator for the >"World Computer", Kamisama had suspend her license and forbid her to >return to heaven until further notice. Mike: Ah, so that explains Windows... >* * * * * Crow (Roger Rabbit): Starhz! >Not much after Urd had entered the flock, Keiichi was blessed, or >cursed, with the appearance of yet another Goddess. Allegra: What is WITH this guy? >Only this one didn't like the idea of Keiichi and Belldandy being >together. Her name was Skuld. She appeared to be 12 years in age, but >Keiichi knew better than that. Mike (Keiichi): Can't fool me! You're 13! Hah! >Skuld was a spry young Goddess of the future and head of maintenance >at Yggdrasil, the world computer. Crow: She took coffee breaks every fifteen minutes and went on strike when Keiichi complained. >She always carried a large mallet with her to crush "bugs" in the >system, Tom: Not to mention skulls. >and when she first appeared to Keiichi, she had the unfortunate >transport of water, so she met him while he was in the bath. Mike: Yeah, that's just what he needed. A underage girl showing up in his bathtub. >Not one to think before acting, she clubbed him with the mallet. Allegra (Skuld): Bye bye balls! (Mike and the Bots wince and moan.) >Skuld had come to check on her favorite sister Belldandy, and to taunt >here eldest sister Urd about her recent suspension. Crow: Nice to know that the angels have nothing else better to do. >While she was on earth, however, a malfunction occurred in the world >system causing many wish contracts to be broken, including Belldandy's >and Keiichi's. Mike (Keiichi): Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last! >This was a major catastrophe, and had to be repaired soon. Tom: Skuld was too busy playing Everquest, however. >During that time, Skuld gradually came to accept her sister's >relationship with Keiichi, even though she hated him. Allegra (Skuld): Once I wanted you dead, Keiichi...but I'm mostly over that now...hee hee hee... >Though, soon after Skuld would soon meet Keiichi's cousin Kenji and >understand why Belldandy was so gaga over a mortal. Tom: Puberty set in. >If only Keiichi had known then what he would have gone through to >reach today... Mike: He would have joined the Foriegn Legion and been happy for the work. >he still would have done it, for Belldandy was the love of his life, >and he had to find a way to prove it to her. Crow: Well, you could try telling her. >He finally had an idea, and it would work this time. Nothing could >stop him, save death, and even that didn't phase him. He was ready, >and the sun was rising. Allegra: Oop...I'd best be off to bed, then. See ya, guys! (gets up) Dr. F (v.o.) My, what a beautiful sun there is out there today! Allegra (sitting down): Poop. >Proposal at Last Mike: The sequel to "Let's Shack Up!" >Keiichi Morisato stood on the front porch of the temple, long before >everyone had gotten up, and tried to sort out his thoughts. Crow: Damn, what a mess. Keiichi needs to clean up his brain. >He knew what he wanted to do, and he knew how to accomplish it, but >there was one problem: he was scared to death. Tom: I don't think bungee jumping off of the Shinjuku Towers is going to prove your love, Keiichi. >It had been a fairly peaceful year for the four of them, Keiichi >thought. Oh, there had been the usual demons, potions, and what have >you, but nothing disastrous. Mike: Just typical stuff for your average Japanese college student. Tom: In anime? You bet! >Nothing that pulled him away from his goddess. Allegra: Of course, she's bound to you for eternity, so that could be why. >Those days two years ago had been the most frightening days of >Keiichi's life. Belldandy, the woman he...was going to be taken away >from him, and all because of a computer error. Mike: To err is to be human. To really screw up takes a computer. Crow & Tom: Ahem. Mike: Present company excluded. >It wasn't the removal of her that caused him the most heartbreak, >however; Crow (Keiichi): I can't cook! I can't clean! I'll die! >it was the fact that he had never told her anything about his >feelings. All: "Feeelings...wo wo wo wo feeelings..." >He couldn't bear to see her leave without him telling her that he... Tom: Dammit. I hate when the author just ups and leaves in the middle of a story. >This was shameful. Crow: Yeah! Don't leave us hanging like that, man! >If he couldn't even think the words, how could he possibly say them to >Belldandy? He was in love with her. He wanted to marry her. There. >He had admitted it to himself. Allegra: Good! You get a cookie. >When he first made his wish, he hadn't really thought of the >consequences. Mike: Sounds like most dates. >He didn't really think that it would be granted, after all. But the >next few minutes made him think about what he had gotten himself into. >He had been thrown out of his dorm, with almost no money, and >certainly nowhere that he could stay. Crow: Something about a dozen naked women, a case of Mad Dog 20/20, and an outboard motor. >By all rights, he should have called the whole thing off. And >yet...whenever he looked into her eyes, he couldn't think of anything >else but having his wish come true. Allegra: Awww...how sweet. I think I'll vomit. >He didn't know when these feelings had become actual love. Probably >that evening, as they sat talking on the benches. Keiichi had asked >why he had been chosen to receive a wish, and Belldandy had said that >only the most worthy were allowed to get help from goddesses. Mike: Or those that dial a really cool wrong number. >For Keiichi, who had a *very* big problem with self-esteem, this was >exactly what he wanted to hear. Tom: Good idea, Belldandy. Just humor him. >That was one of the big reasons for his thoughts of marriage. Whenever >he was with Belldandy, he felt as if he could accomplish anything. Crow: And the fact that she was a goddess with near-omnipotent powers didn't hurt. >She made him feel special, and it showed in everything she did for >him. >Keiichi frowned. Mike (Keiichi): She's such an airhead! >That was another thing they had to talk about. Belldandy, as soon as >she entered his life, had become almost the image of the perfect >Japanese wife. She cooked the meals, she did the laundry, and she >took care of everything. Allegra: Mother Gaia! She's a domestic SLAVE! Cast off those chains, Belldandy! You're a goddess! Show your womynpower! He's just a stupid MAN! Mike: Feel better? Allegra: Yes, actually. >Whenever Keiichi had tried to help, she had shooed him off, saying >that it was her duty. Crow: She's not human! >Once, when she had stayed up all night, Keiichi had made breakfast for >them the next morning. Belldandy, upon seeing this, had run off >crying. Mike: Oh, she ate the food. Tom (Keiichi): Hey, it's not my fault I attended the Akane School of Cuisine! >Only successive apologies from Keiichi had convinced her that he >didn't hate her food. Crow: But cold ramen and grease was getting a bit old. >If she wasn't a goddess, he would have said she had as bad a self->image as he did. Mike: I always thought Bacchus must have had low self-esteem. He drank an awful lot. >Keiichi sighed. There were so many reasons, in his mind, why he felt >that they should be married. For it wasn't only his love that drove >him on. Allegra: Lust had a bit to do with it. >The two of them complemented each other, finding strength when needed. >Even when Urd had been possessed by the Lord of Terror, Mike: Stephen King? Allegra: Poppy Z. Brite? Tom: HP Lovecraft? Crow: Howard Stern? >he had not even thought about leaving her side. Likewise, she did not >forsake him when he was taken over by the same entity. He felt as if, >for some reason, they were fated to be together. Mike: Well, without that there wouldn't be a story, would there? And millions of yen would have been lost. >Unfortunately, there were also many reasons why marriage would be out >of the question. Allegra: The fact that she'll be bound to your decaying corpse in 300 years is a REALLY good reason. Crow: Good ol' Allegra. Only person in the universe darker than Tom. Tom: Watch it! Allegra: Hey, if I'm miserable, everyone else should be, too. >Keiichi knew, from legends and occasional drunken stories from Urd, Tom (Urd): Sooo, Kei >hic< ikki, theere ah wazz...just me an' Zeus, and he sez, "Say! This iz good beerrr..." >that relationships between gods and mortals never worked out. Tom: Yeah, just look at Tetsuo and Kaori. Talk about screwed up! >Urd had been trying to get them together for almost three years now, >but he felt that Urd meant more of a physical bonding than an >emotional or legal one. Crow: But then again, this was Urd, who claimed that two hundred was NOT too many. >Keiichi's mind shied away from the thought, as it always did. He >liked to imagine that his love for Belldandy was utterly pure, but he >knew this was a lie. There was a healthy dose of lust in his love for >Belldandy. Allegra: Hah! I knew it. >Hell, why wouldn't there be? Belldandy was the most stunning woman he >had ever met. Tom: Though Angelina Jolie ran a damn close second. >Urd may try to ooze sex all the time, Mike: Gross. >but Belldandy had an innocence that made her every movement perfect. Allegra: Boy, she's got him fooled. >Several times Keiichi had had to stop himself from these thoughts. Crow (Keiichi): Must...resist...take...cold...shower... >It's not as if gods and goddesses couldn't...you know. Mike: Wink, wink, nudge, nudge... All: SAY NO MORE! >Urd boasted of all the men she had had over the years. Tom: Usually after the fifth bottle of sake. >Keiichi privately suspected that the total wasn't as great as she made >it out to be, but Urd was certainly no virgin. Crow: Unlike certain people-- Allegra (grabs Crow by the throat): Remember when Urd kicked Keiichi into the wall? Crow: --certain, uhm, good and decent people! Yeah! Abstinence is, after all, a virtue... Allegra: Better. >He was almost positive Belldandy was, though. Could he...bring >himself to do that, if they were married? Mike: Well, you'd better, otherwise the honeymoon is going to be kinda boring. >He knew he wanted her body, but the sheer *idea* of bedding a goddess >was enough to give him pause. Another problem to work out. Tom: I hope the author isn't going down the same road as "The Elven Bride" here. >He didn't even know if this would be allowed to happen. After all, >Belldandy's contract pretty much existed only at heaven's bequest. Crow: I never knew heaven had mercenaries. >Would Kami-sama allow one of his top ranking goddesses to marry a >mortal with barely means to support himself, let alone a family? >Further, could he give Belldandy that kind of life? Allegra: Hey, blessed be the poor! Hmm...if that's the case, then *I* should be a goddess by now. (Crow and Tom snicker.) Allegra: No comments from the peanut gallery, thank you. >Keiichi knew the reasons that he had all these questions crowding into >his mind. He was just avoiding actually doing anything. Mike: Ah, a slacker. Man after my own heart. >Well, that was going to change today. Tom: Keiichi was going to get off his butt and get a job! >A few times over the past few months, he had tried to get Belldandy >alone to tell her of his feelings. Then Urd or Skuld or someone else >would come along, and the moment would be ruined. Keiichi was >beginning to think that fate was stepping in whenever he got Belldandy >alone... >Alone... All: "How do I get you alone..." >Keiichi suddenly sat bolt upright, an idea coursing through his head. >Of course! Allegra: The earth HAD to revolve around the sun! Nothing else made sense! >If he couldn't get Belldandy alone to tell her of his feelings, then >he'd just have to try another way. Crow (Keiichi): Kidnapping! Of course! >He heard Belldandy's alarm go off, with some sweet little song about >trust and help. All: "BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ONE YOU SERVE! YOU'RE GONNA GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!" >About five seconds later, Skuld's alarm went off. Loudly. "UH, OH! >WE'RE IN TROUBLE! SOMETHING'S COME ALONG AND IT'S BURST OUR BUBBLE! >YEAH, YEAH!" Tom: Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again. >Keiichi sighed yet again. Another day off to a great start. Mike (Keiichi): Some days this job just sucks. >Oh, well, hopefully he'd be making some changes soon. He went back >into the house, preparing in his mind what he had to do. Crow: First he'd borrow Skuld's hammer, and bust those damn clocks. >*** Mike: Your turn, Allegra. Allegra: Um...three Cylons in a snowstorm? >"Sure. Allegra: Oh, good! Glad you approve. I didn't think it was that great of a joke. Tom: That wasn't us. >Keiichi! What's the occasion?" >Megumi had just arrived at her apartment from softball practice, to >find Keiichi on the phone asking her to dinner at the temple. Tom: Uh, Keiichi? She's standing right behind you, buddy. >"Well, I'd kind of like to keep that a surprise. It's just gonna be >you and Kenji, though, plus the four of us." Mike (Megumi): Two plus four equals six, moron. >Megumi frowned. Keiichi was up to something. She could tell, because >he wasn't hesitating and stuttering as he spoke. Whenever Keiichi got >coherent, it meant that he was planning some major decision. Megumi >could guess what that might be. Crow: They weren't having Chinese tonight. >"OK! Hey, Keiichi, should I bring anything? Y'know, like an >engagement present or anything..." Allegra (Megumi): Or hemlock, or something... >She could hear Keiichi blush from over the phone. Mike: Wow! Good ears. >She loved doing this to him, mainly because even after all these >years, he still reacted the same way. Tom: Simple minds are easily amused. >"That won't be necessary. Just come, OK, Megumi?" >"Sure! I'll be there at 6:30!" >Megumi hung up with an excited expression on her face. Crow (Megumi): Keiichi's gonna make a fool of himself! This'll be GREAT! >She'd known for a while how much in love Keiichi was with the gaijin >girl Tom: I'm not sure if gaijin really applies in Belldandy's case. She's not exactly from overseas, y'know. >who he "lived with", but didn't think he'd ever be able to do anything >about it. The fact that he was showed Megumi that he was finally >accepting responsibility for the relationship, a responsibility that >seemed long overdue. Allegra: 'Bout time a man showed some frigging responsibility! Mike: Allegra, do you need a time out? Tom: Or some Panadol? Allegra: Grrrowwwlll... Mike: Tom, don't. I left the repair kit on the bridge. >I mean, let's face it, Belldandy did everything short of ripping off >his clothes and dragging him to the bedroom to show her love for him, Crow: Hey, works for me. Mike: Crow, I should yell at you, but...I sort of agree with you. >and because of his shyness, Keiichi hadn't even said anything to her >about it. Allegra: At that point, are words really necessary? >Of course, that was easy for her to say. Megumi had never been >exactly what one would call shy. In fact, she tended to be the sort >of person that cynics describe as annoyingly perky. Tom: Oh, like Lynn Minmei! Allegra: Kill her. > Plus, she hadn't really had a serious relationship yet, not for any >long period of time. Keiichi was at least living with Belldandy, >though Megumi was pretty sure that absolutely nothing was happening >there. After all, Belldandy's sisters were living at the temple as >well, which must make private moments awkward. Crow: You'd think, but look how many "Ah! My Goddess" lemons we get sent... >Anyway, it looked like all that was about to change. Smiling, Megumi >went in her room to get ready for the dinner. >*** Tom: Three-star restaurant. Good thinking, Keiichi. >"Hi, cousin. What can I do for you?" Crow: Cousins? Did the scene suddenly shift to West Virginia? >Kenji had just come back from the computer lab, where he was doing a >summer project. Mike: The computers had promptly crashed, and no one knew how to fix them. Allegra: I didn't know you'd been to college, Mike! >"Well, I'm having a little get together tonight, and I was wondering >if you could make it?" Tom (Kenji): Yeah, sure! Who is this, anyway? >Kenji felt his heart leap, as it always did whenever he got this >chance. Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag him away. Allegra: Can we test that theory? Huh? Please? >"You bet! I'll be there! Umm...Skuld is going to be there, too, >right?" >He heard Keiichi laugh softly, and cursed himself for being incredibly >obvious. Mike (Keiichi): Poor skirt-smitten ninny! >"Yeah, Kenji, she'll be here. 6:30, OK?" >"OK." Kenji hung up the phone and sat at the table for a moment. Crow: His hard drive just crashed. >He and Skuld had known each other for six months now, but he still >felt like a five-year-old with a new toy. Tom: He never got tired of winding her up and letting her go. >Sure, they were uncomfortable with each other, but it was a...>*comforting* sort of uncomfort. Mike: Let's go down the checklist. Feelings of nausea? Allegra: Check. Mike: Cold sweats? Tom: Check. Mike: Feel like your head is going to explode? Not you, Tom. Crow: Check. Mike: Okay. You're either in love or you have cholera. >A feeling that they were only just managing to hold in passions that, >sooner or later, would have to be let out. Allegra: In raging, bodice-ripping PASSION! Mike: Easy, easy! Allegra: Sorry. This is supposed to be a lemon, and there hasn't been a payoff for the pain. >Kenji put a hold on those thoughts right away. Later. Skuld was >still only fifteen, Mike: Crow, if you say anything about grass being on the field... Crow: I didn't have to, Mike. You just did. Mike: ... Crow: Hee hee. >and neither of them was ready for any of those problems just yet. >Plus, Urd was watching his every move to make sure that absolutely >nothing happened, and he suspected, in her own way, that Belldandy was >as well. Allegra: Big Sister is Watching. >Still, that didn't mean he would turn down a chance to be near her. >Kenji began to get dressed, his mind full of confusing thoughts. Crow (Kenji): The green plaid pants or the orange tie? I just don't KNOW! Mike: I do. Let's get outta here. (Door sequence...bada bing.) Mike and Crow were huddled around the bridge console, Mike drinking root beer and Crow nibbling RAMchips. "I'm really sorry, Mike, about the hentai comments, I mean," Crow said between bites. "I guess the whole Belldandy thing got to me, too. She's always been kind of a hottie. I guess I'm not fully cured of my hentaiism just yet." "Well, the fic isn't helping, teasing like that." Mike suddenly set down his root beer. "I wonder..." "What?" Tom Servo hovered onto the bridge, a chef's hat on his dome and a TV dinner attached to his chestplate. "Here's lunch, Mike. What were you talking about?" "Tom, don't you find it strange that Dr. F would send us a lemon on the same day we were putting Crow through his paces on his 'Hentai Free' campaign?" Tom settled onto the console, detaching the TV dinner. "That is pretty weird, now that you mention it. Crow at his hentai worst definitely works on OUR sanity--" "Hey, I'm not THAT bad," Crow protested. "--so maybe the Mads see that as a big step. Or maybe Dr. F just decided to send us a lemon." He tried to shrug, but of course he had no shoulders. "Who knows?" "And this isn't too bad as lemons go," Crow said. "I mean, it's not an Oscarfic or 'Usagi's Usual Morning Part LXVII.'" Mike tapped his chin in thought. "I know. I mean, the writing's not half bad, and the whole Belldandy/Keiichi thing at least makes sense." He paused. "Well, so far, anyway." "And we're used to lemons," Crow added. "At least, the three of us are." They all looked at each other. "Allegra!" they said in unison. "Of course!" Tom said. "Dr. F is going after her! Remember when you asked her if she was a virgin, Crow?" Crow shuddered. "Yeah. My neck still hurts, and I think Door Number 4 still has a dent in it." "But why--" The alarms promptly went off. "Oh, it's gotta wait," Mike yelled, "because we've got FANFIC SIIIGGNNN!!!" (Door sequence, et al.) Mike: you feeling okay, Allegra? Allegra: Huh? Oh, I'm fine, Mike. Just a little tired... Mike: Uh, okay. Let me know if you start feeling, uh, like you're going to freak out or something. Allegra: Hah! It's gonna take more than this fic to get me going! I'm as frosty as the iceberg that sank the Lusitania! Tom: You mean the Titanic. Allegra: Er, right. Titanic. >*** Mike: Guess Belldandy just thought the dinner was average. >Keiichi had to content himself with telling Belldandy to cook for two >more, rather than cooking the meal himself. Now was definitely not >the time for any misunderstandings between them. Besides, with >Belldandy cooking the food, he knew that it would be perfect. Allegra (Belldandy): Here we go! Toadstools stewed in grub guts! Mike (grabbing stomach): Easy there, tummy...don't turn over now...easy does it... >He glanced around the table. Megumi and Belldandy were chatting >merrily away about something or other. Crow (Megumi): Wasn't that episode of Demon Beast Invasion just a hoot, Bell? >Kenji and Skuld sat across from one another, playing the game of not >looking at each other, then sneaking little glances. Tom (Kenji): One...two...three--hah! Caught you looking, Skuld! >And Urd was on her third glass of wine, staring off into space. Mike (Urd): Sweet, sweet booze. You're the only one who understands. >Keiichi frowned. Ever since Kenji and Skuld had met, Urd had been >going through increasingly longer bouts of depression. Tom: Not to mention increasingly more liquor. >Her sisters falling in love had hurt her deeply, Keiichi suspected. >Urd had had a few relationships here on earth, but most of them tended >to be short, passionate affairs. Mike: The words you're looking for are one night stands and orgies. >Belldandy had told him once of some god who she loved, who then went >off in a search for a golden peach. If Urd was gonna fall in love >with guys like that, good luck to her. Allegra: Oh, so it's URD'S fault that the guy is an ass? (jumps up) It's always the WOMAN'S fault, huh? How about the stupid GUY? A peach, is it? Oh, I'm sure the peach has legs attached to it! And big ol' BOOBS! And...and...grrrrooowwwfff... Mike: Allegra! Stop! You're starting to wolf out! And I don't have a spare jumpsuit! Allegra (calming down, now with noticeable tears in her jumpsuit): I...I...dammit! I wanna rend something, Mike! Mike: Just think about good things, huh? Allegra: Good things...right... Tom: Like the Backstreet Boys being folded and spindled. Allegra: Hey, yeah! Thanks, Tom! Tom: No sweat. We all stick together in the theater. >They'd almost finished; if he was going to do anything, it would have >to be now. Crow: I don't think it's wise to do that sort of thing in public, Keiichi. >"Can I say something for a moment?" All: NO! SIT DOWN! >Everyone quieted down to look at Keiichi. He got up at his place and >faced them. He felt like he was giving a speech. In a sense, maybe >he was. Crow (Winston Churchill): Never so much was owed by so many to so few. Tom: Ah, the motto of the IRS. >"Um...you're probably wondering why I called you all here." Good >start, Keiichi, he chided himself. "I've been...trying to accomplish >something for a long time, and it hasn't been going well. Mike (Keiichi): Well, I've decided to finally finish school. >Belldandy, you know the times I've asked you for a private moment >alone, and before I could say anything, we were always interrupted?" Allegra: They're just going to do it right there on the dinner table? Crow: No, I think the kitchen counter would be better... Mike: Our obligatory Top Gun skit, ladies and gentlemen. Enjoy the buffet! >"Of course, Keiichi-san. After a while, it got to be quite amusing." Allegra (Belldandy): I enjoy watching you go into apopletic rage! >Belldandy was smiling at him. Did she really have no idea what he was >saying? Tom: Yes, she's an idiot. >"Yeah, it was really funny. Anyway, after a while I began to wonder >why we were always interrupted, Mike: Two words: Skuld and Urd. >and I thought that maybe if I...said what I had to say with people >here, then it would at least cut down the chances for being >interrupted." Crow (Keiichi): And this time I'm fairly close to sharp silverware, so everybody better keep their trap shut! >"Well, what do you want to tell me, Keiichi-san?" Tom (Keiichi): You're pregnant. >Keiichi took a look around the table. Urd and Skuld were looking at >him *very* suspiciously. Kenji, of course, was looking at Skuld. And >Megumi was grinning from ear to ear. He would get her for that later. Crow: Crow was looking at Allegra. Allegra: Allegra was looking at Tom. Tom: Tom was looking at Allegra AND Crow. Mike: Mike was looking at the ceiling. >He took a deep breath. Three years of his life had been building up >to this. If he didn't say it now, he would never forgive himself. >"Belldandy, almost three years ago, you came into my life. Since >then, Tom (Keiichi): It's been hell on earth. >we've been together almost all the time. But...I've never really told >you how I feel. And I need to, because..." Allegra (Keiichi): Because I want you athwart my main spar, as the sailors would say. >He could feel his strength leaving. Get it out, NOW. All: Get it out, push it out, WAAAY OUT! >"Belldandy, I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?" (Balloons and confetti fall from the ceiling. Mike hugs Allegra, Tom spins in place, and Crow does the Fibble-Fobble Dance.) Tom: About time! >*** Mike: Oh, come on! The joke wasn't that bad. >Skuld had been quiet through the entire dinner. Crow: She was actually eating. Allegra (Skuld): Iiiiccce creeeeam... >She had no idea why Keiichi had invited Kenji here, but she had no >reason to complain. For six months, she and Kenji had tried to see as >much of each other as possible. They went out for ice cream, or on >long walks. Tom: As many ice cream headaches as Skuld must've had, it's a wonder her head hasn't exploded. >Despite all this, she and Kenji still acted like they'd just met. She >couldn't even meet his eyes across the table. >Skuld had no idea, really, what the whole story was between Keiichi >and her sister. Mike: Well, no wonder she can't meet his eyes. She's obviously blind. >She knew that Belldandy stayed with Keiichi for more of a reason than >the contract, but couldn't possibly imagine what it was. However, >whenever she was with Kenji, she began to have these disturbing >feelings. Mike: Any Star Wars refs, and I start cutting off RAMchips. Bots: Awww... Mike: And Type O negative. Allegra: Awww... >Her heart began doing back-flips, and she couldn't speak. Tom: She's defillibrating! Clear! >There was also a fair amount of guilt in there. Crow: Oh, she's seeing someone else on the side up there in heaven. I get it. >She wanted to tell Kenji the truth about her, but knew that if she did >that, any chance of their friendship continuing would be gone. Allegra (Skuld): Kenji, I don't know how to say this, but I'm a goddess who does computer work. Mike (Kenji): You're Bill Gates' wife? >Keiichi called them to attention, Crow (drill sergeant): UP AGAINST THE WALL, YEW MAGGOTS! >and she slowly rose out of her reverie. He was saying something about >being alone, and something that he needed to tell Belldandy. Skuld >narrowed her eyes. Tom: Tight close-up. >What was he going to do to her sister? If he called off the contract, >she'd pound Keiichi. Allegra: Actually, I think it's Keiichi who's gonna be doing the pounding... Mike: Allegra, you're not helping Crow. Crow: Yeah! You're stealing all my best riffs! >"Belldandy, I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?" Tom: And a light like a thousand Hiroshimas suddenly goes off in Skuld's head. >What?!? Skuld couldn't believe what she just heard. She looked >around the table. Urd was looking at Keiichi with an amazed >expression. Crow: In Urd's case, that should be a "glazed" expression. >Belldandy shared that expression. But there was something else. She >could see, in Belldandy's face, and in the way she held herself, that >this was something she *wanted*. That she was going to accept! Allegra (Belldandy): Oh, yes, Keiichi! Take me now! Ravish me! Hump! Hump! Crow (Keiichi): It IS good to be the king! >"No!" Skuld found herself standing up before she knew what she was >thinking. Tom: If you ring a bell, will she start to salivate too? >"Keiichi, what are you thinking! You actually think you're good >enough for my sister! She's a goddess! She has responsibilities! >What would everyone else in Heaven say! You can't possibly be >serious!" >Skuld, panting, Tom: Hey, whoa. I was just riffing about the Pavlov thing. >looked around the room. Urd and Keiichi both had their heads in their >hands. Belldandy was looking at her as if she'd just gone over to >Marller's side. And Megumi and Kenji... Allegra: Were screaming in mirth. >Wait. Rewind. Mike: Yeah, don't we all wish life had those two buttons. >Goddess? Heaven? Everyone *else*? >Oh, no. NO. She didn't. Crow: So what's "screwed the pooch" in Japanese? >Skuld's expression turned to one of terror. She'd done it. She had >said that they were goddesses. In front of two other mortals. In >front of *Kenji*. Allegra: Nice going, Einstein! I thought goddesses were supposed to be near omnipotent! Yeah, right! >Kenji was looking at Skuld with an expression that Skuld couldn't >read. He stood there with his mouth open, waiting for her to say >anything else. Mike (Kenji): Dahhh... >Something that would take back the words that she just said. Allegra (Skuld): Uh...I am SO drunk! Whee! Wherzza beer! >What had she *done*?! >"I...I...I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" Crow: Sorry doesn't cut it. You must commit seppuku. >Skuld ran out of the room, into her bedroom, and slammed the door. Tom: In Turkey, an earthquake flattened a small village. Mike: Been reading chaos theory again, Tom? Tom: Well, they ARE goddesses. It's possible. >As she did so, she felt as if she could feel her life crashing down >around her, trying to bury her. For the moment, she let it. Allegra: Well, that was nice and cheerful. >*** Mike: Skuld's going to be seeing lots of stars when Urd gets hold of her. >Megumi sat and stared at the table. Allegra (Megumi): Um, Keiichi...I think you need to clean this table more often. The mold just took my plate. >Skuld was heard slamming her door, and the sound of muffled sobs soon >followed it. Tom: Gad! C-ko redux! >Everyone else was stock still, trying to take in everything that had >just happened. There was no question of denying it. Mike: The Cubs weren't going to make it this year, either. >Skuld's emotions had been far too fiery and surface to play any sort >of a joke. She had said that Belldandy was a goddess. It followed >that Urd and Skuld were as well. What's more, Megumi wondered why she >hadn't seen it before. Crow: How about that it doesn't make any friggin' sense? >All the inexplicable hints, the little impossibilities that seemed to >follow Keiichi... Tom: Yes, I suppose having bolts of lightning leaving Hebrew characters in the ground at odd hours in the morning would be a bit strange. >after all, Megumi was religious, to a point. Allegra: To the point of throwing that bit about "not coveting thy neighbor's mate" out the window. >She believed in heaven as a physical thing. Why not believe that a >goddess or three would come down from heaven and live with her >brother. Crow: Oh, yeah. Angels just appear and do that sort of thing all the time. Mike: Well, we don't know. Look at "Touched By An Angel." (pause) Not that I watch that, of course. Crow: Sure, Mike. >Oh, God. Allegra: Poor God is getting blamed for it again! >She looked at Keiichi. He had picked himself up from the table where >he had collapsed after Skuld's pronouncement. Tom: Facefault! >He looked at her, expecting a glare or something. She smiled at him. >Keiichi wasn't to blame for this. There could be no way he'd be able >to reveal something like this, not even to her. She nodded over to >Belldandy, indicating where his attention should be at that moment. Allegra (Megumi): She's the one you proposed to, remember? That's just kinda icky if you're interested in me. >Megumi looked over at Belldandy, and saw the conflicting emotion in >her eyes. Tom (Belldandy): To kick Skuld's behind for the next thousand years or not...hmmm... >This shouldn't be happening to her, not all at once. Belldandy looked >over towards Skuld's room. >"Urd?" Allegra (Belldandy): Silence her. >Urd looked up, and spoke for what Megumi thought was the first time >that night. Her speech was somewhat slurred. Crow (Urd): Gimme anootther beer! >"I'd try, but I don't think it would get us anywhere. You know the >two of us, Belldandy. We'd just end up screaming at each other." Mike: Just like sisters who know and love each other everywhere. >Urd looked sorrowful, as if she knew how this made her look. Crow: Yeah. Drunk and bitchy. >Belldandy turned her attention to Keiichi, agony in her eyes. >"Keiichi-san...I have to - " Allegra (Belldandy): Throw up! I ate too fast! >"Go, Belldandy," Keiichi said, though not without a certain pain in >his eyes. "Skuld needs you to be there for her now. Maybe you >can...explain things to her. Tom: Preferably with Skuld's mallet. >I can wait. After all," and here he looked down, "I've already told >you how I feel." >To Megumi's eyes, the look that passed between them at that moment was >one of the most heartrending she had ever seen. Mike: No kidding...sniff... Allegra: It's so sad...just like the ending of 'Titanic'... Crow: Y'know, it does kinda get you right there (thumbs chest)...or in your case, Tom, right here (points to his head) Tom: Ha ha, mitt-head. >"Thank you, Keiichi-san," Belldandy said, and quickly got up. "Urd, I >would like you with me, regardless of your past with Skuld." Allegra (Belldandy): I'm gonna need backup on this one. >"Yeah, alright." And with that, the two goddesses left the room, >leaving the remains of the dinner party to attempt an explanation. Tom (Urd): All yours, Keiichi! Have fun getting yourself out of this one! >*** >Keiichi could not believe what had just happened. The meal had gone >even worse than he thought it might. Crow: Just wait until he finds out about Belldandy's magic mushroom stew. >He still didn't know if Belldandy even loved him, much less if she >wanted to marry him. And then Skuld ended up spilling the beans. Mike: Squealing like a Mafia stool pigeon. Allegra: Spilling her guts. Crow: Made like Ken Starr at a Congressional hearing. Tom: Told the truth and nothing but the truth, so help her herself. >He looked up to find Megumi staring at him, waiting for the >forthcoming explanation. Allegra (Megumi): Think fast, Keiichi, think fast! >Kenji was still looking towards Skuld's room, slightly in shock. >Keiichi had to jab him in the shoulder to get his attention. Tom: With a butcher knife. >"I...I guess you all heard what Skuld said. Well, um...it's true. >Urd, Belldandy, and Skuld are from heaven. Mike: Well, that's better than the other place. >They live here with me because of a contract. Tom (Keiichi): They're assassins. Keep it on the DL, will you? >It's a really long story." Allegra: Eighteen episodes isn't that long. Look at Ranma. >Megumi wasn't about to buy that. "That's fine, Keiichi. We've got >all night. Tell us all about it." Crow: So much for brotherly love. >Keiichi felt even worse. After all, next to Belldandy, Megumi was the >person that he felt closest to. She was his sister, and she could be >annoying at times, but she was always ready to stand behind him. Tom: In this case, knife in hand. >When Keiichi's parents had found out that Belldandy and the others >were living with him, it was Megumi who was able to convince them that >not only was it purely platonic, Mike: And they bought that? Gee. Wish my folks had been like that when I was in college. >but Keiichi was perfectly capable of living his own life. He owed her >for that, at least. >He started to tell the story of how he met Belldandy. Kenji started >to drift off, All: Zzzz... >but when Keiichi mentioned Skuld coming, he focused on the story >again. >Finally, Keiichi finished his explanation. He looked to the two of >them for any reaction. As he did, a grin slowly spread itself across >Megumi's features. Allegra (Megumi): National Enquirer, here I come! >"Say, Keiichi, I once had a dream that I was turned into a car..." Tom: Keiichi promptly beaned his sister over the head with a plate. >"Yeah, I know. That actually happened. Sorry if you feel we invaded >you privacy..." Crow: "My Sister, The Car?" >Megumi shrugged. "Hey, don't worry about it. It explains a lot of >weird things, actually; I feel pretty relieved. And don't worry; I'm >not going to tell anyone about this." Mike: Except of course, every reporter and scandal sheet I can find. >"No, I won't, either." These were the first words Kenji had spoken >since Skuld's outburst. He normally looked pensive, but seemed even >more so now, with his face and thoughts totally retreating inward. Crow: His face is collapsing in on itself! Run! He's become a singularity! >"I...If you'll excuse me, cousin, I need to think about what happened >tonight. I'm going to go home now." Tom (Kenji): And kill myself. >"Kenji, I know that Skuld feels a great deal for you - " >"Thank you, cousin, but I need to think this out myself. I thought I >knew how Skuld felt myself...but I'm not so sure now. Mike: You could try asking. Allegra: Communication in a relationship? Like that'll happen. Mike: You're letting the fic get to you again. Allegra: Sorry. >Good luck with Belldandy, I hope she says yes." >And with that he left, walking slowly out the door. Crow (Keiichi): Hey, Kenji! It helps if you open it first! >Keiichi watched him go. To be honest, even while he was sympathizing >with Kenji, his mind had never left Belldandy. He felt his heart >wrench as she went to Skuld, not knowing if he could stand to wait any >longer. He turned back to Megumi, and saw that she was reading his >thoughts. Allegra: So can I, when it comes to Belldandy. "You and me ain't nothing but mammals..." >"Don't worry, brother. Tom (Ramirez): You must forget her, brother. >Even if I didn't know that Belldandy was a goddess, the one thing that >was always clear was that you two loved each other. She'll say yes." Mike (Megumi): Just make sure you get that pre-nup signed. >"It's not as simple as that, Megumi. I'm asking a *goddess* to marry >me, for heaven's sake! Allegra (Megumi): Well! Somebody has an awfully high opinion of himself, doesn't he? >There are consequences that you wouldn't believe. Crow (Keiichi): I mean, "'til death do us part" doesn't really apply here, does it? >I'm not really sure if it's even her decision." Keiichi sighed again. >"But I had to ask her, anyway. Just to let her know, if for nothing >else." >Megumi said nothing, the two of them just sat, looking at the door to >the bedrooms. Allegra (Megumi): You going to be using those tonight, you think? >*** >Belldandy went towards Skuld's room with her mind in an absolute mess. Crow (Belldandy): I really need to vaccum in there sometime. >She had no idea how she was going to comfort Skuld in a state like >this. She could barely put one foot in front of the other. Mike: Damn! How much were you drinking in there, Bell? >When she opened the door, she saw Skuld lying on her futon, face up, >staring at the ceiling. Crow (Skuld): A little closer to the light, moth...just a little closer...yes! Barbecue! >Though the sobs had stopped, tears were streaming down her cheeks. >"Are you alright, Skuld?" Allegra (Skuld): Why, yes, Belldandy. I normally look at the ceiling and cry my eyes out. Good for the digestion. >As an opening, it lacked a certain flair, but Belldandy did not feel >at her best at the moment. >"Oh, sister, I'm so sorry. I've ruined everything. I told them we >were goddesses. I'm sorry..." Skuld could barely speak without >dissolving into crying. Crow: Hey, Allegra! Are you a goddess? Allegra: Of course. Crow: Yeah, right! >"Don't feel that way, Skuld. After all, there have been so many close >calls that they were bound to find out sooner or later. We would have >had to tell them before...before the wedding, if nothing else." Mike (priest): We are gathered here today to witness the holy matrimony of man and godlike being... >Belldandy also had trouble speaking, but it came from a different >reason. Her mind was divided, wanting to be here to comfort Skuld, >but at the same time desperately wanting to be with Keiichi, and give >him his answer. Tom: The Id had fired on Fort Cerebellum, and the Superego planned to retaliate. >"But, big sister, you can't! I mean, what would everyone think?" Allegra (Skuld): Keiichi is so...so lower class! >"The same thing they've always thought. All: YOU'RE CRAZY! >This isn't the first time this has happened, Skuld." Urd was speaking >from the door, looking for all the world as if she'd rather be >somewhere else. Allegra (Urd): Hell, I've been married hundreds of times! You just tell 'em what they want to hear! >"But..." Skuld stopped, looking back and forth between them >desperately. Crow: Don't feel bad, Skuld. I have a tough time deciding which one is hotter myself. >"I don't think that Belldandy is the reason you're in here, Skuld." >Urd wasn't about to let up now that she had started. Tom (Urd): No peace treaty's gonna save you now, Skuld! >"What you're worried about is that Kenji will feel betrayed for not >being told that you're a goddess." Mike: I think Kenji already thought of her as a goddess, actually. Tom: And you know, having a goddess as your girlfriend would not be a bad thing. I mean, nobody would mess with you ever again. >"Shut up, Urd! You think I don't know that! You think I don't know >that...Kenji hates me now..." Once again, Skuld dissolved into sobs. (Everyone in the theater opens an umbrella.) >As Belldandy reached out to her, Skuld threw herself onto Belldandy's >shoulder. Crow: Whoa! Nice shoulder block! >They held that tableau for a few minutes, while Skuld calmed down. >Finally, Belldandy spoke to her again. Allegra (Belldandy): Dry up. >"Skuld, Kenji doesn't hate you. He's just going to have to deal with >a new facet to your relationship. Perhaps Keiichi and I were helped >by the fact that I appeared to him immediately, so there could be no >secrets between us." Crow: Now see, if Skuld had appeared in KENJI'S bath, there certainly would be no secrets between them. >Urd stepped up to Skuld, taking her face gently in her hands. "And >I'll tell you another thing, and this is speaking as the goddess of >love, Mike: The goddess of love acts like a slut? Who knew? >so I should know. Every action of Kenji's, every word he didn't say, >tells me that he loves you. Don't let go of that, Skuld. Not even >because he's a mortal. So is Keiichi, and he and Belldandy have a >great relationship. Love is so rare as to be extremely precious, >Skuld. All: Awww... >Don't let it go just so you can get on your high horse about being a >goddess. After all, we're certainly not perfect." Tom: Really? I hadn't noticed. >And with that, Urd walked out of the room. Mike: And into the sunset. >As she left, Belldandy could see a great pain cross her eyes, but then >it was gone. Crow: You know, if the pain's bad enough to cross her eyes, she should probably have that looked at. >Skuld was looking at her again. "Big sister, do you love Keiichi? Are >you going to marry him?" Allegra (Belldandy): Might as well. Can't dance. Field's too wet to plow. >Belldandy thought for a moment before speaking. "I suppose I've known >for a long time that Keiichi was the one for me. When we met as >children, there was a bond between us even then. And that is the bond >that has kept us together through the past three years, Skuld. Not >the contract, or any Ultimate Force. Tom: Ultimate Force Belldandy! Available at fine toy stores everywhere! Crow: Some assembly required. Batteries not included. >It was our love for each other. I was always afraid to voice it, >afraid that Keiichi didn't feel the same way. Allegra: Man. Love IS blind. >When he told me he loved me tonight, it was as if my soul opened up to >twice his size. Mike: There's a Grinch riff in there somewhere, but I can't quite put my finger on it. >Yes, I'm going to marry Keiichi, but that's not the real point of >tonight. We admitted to each other our love, and that will be what >keeps us together." Allegra: Wow! Two Elton John refs in two sentences. That's got to be some kind of record. >"But sister, you haven't said anything to Keiichi yet." Mike: Oops. Forgot something, huh? >Belldandy paled. She had kept Keiichi-san waiting. Was he doubting >her, having second thoughts? Crow: Had he licked all the frosting off the cake? >"Skuld, do you mind if I - " Allegra (Belldandy): Go out there and turn Keiichi's brain to Jello? Tom: Not that it would take a lot for that. >"Go on, Belldandy." Skuld smiled wanly. "I may have screwed things >up tonight, but... Crow (Skuld): It's really all Urd's fault, you know. >I don't want to ruin it for you as well. And...tell Kenji I'll talk >to him tomorrow." >"Thank you, Skuld. Think upon what Urd said. She knows a lot more >than you think." Allegra: And not all of it has to do with positions and toys. >And with that, Belldandy left the room and returned to the kitchen. Mike (Mr. Ed): Willlbur! Come in the room! >*** >As she entered, she noticed Kenji's absence. "Has Kenji - " Tom (Keiichi): Yeah, we threw him out. >Megumi answered. "He's gone back to his place. Crow: The Happy Place. The Home. The Nutward. >I think he has a lot of things to work out. Don't worry, Belldandy, I >don't think he'll give up as easy as that." >Megumi looked around. "I should probably get going, too. I'd say >congratulations, but that's a bit premature. Allegra (Megumi): Because neither one of you knows what you've gotten yourself into. >So...good luck. To both of you." And with a wink, Megumi exited. Mike: She put a finger aside her nose and vanished up the chimney. >Belldandy looked at Keiichi. Allegra (Belldandy): Geez...is this really the best I can do? >He looked more handsome than ever, standing there pensively. She >couldn't let him suffer like this. Crow: Please. Put him out of our misery. >She owed him an answer. >"Keiichi, I have loved you even before I met you. It was my specific >intervention that let Kami-sama send me to you. And I've tried to >show you that love for the past three years. I suppose I knew that >you loved me, but...being a goddess doesn't make this any easier you >know. I just - " Allegra (Belldandy): Want to sing..."And I...EEEEIIII...will always love YOUUUUU..." (Mike and the Bots wince and cover their ears.) >"Belldandy, you're babbling. Mike (Belldandy): I am not! The stock market is not crashing! E=mc2! What is the ground speed of a sparrow! >Do you not want to get married? Is that it?" The expression on his >face was heartbreaking. Crow: Not as bad as Allegra's singing. Allegra: I was being deliberately bad. Crow: Sure... >"No, Keiichi. I just wanted to let you know that my love for you has >always been here. And nothing can change that. And that's one of the >reasons...that I will marry you. Yes." (Balloons and confetti again fall from the ceiling.) Crow: Woo-hoo! Tom: Yeah, Keiichi! You da man! Allegra: I always cry at weddings... Mike: They make such a cute couple... >Keiichi looked as if he was about to burst. Allegra: Duck and cover, Belldandy! >All the trials of the past three years were worth it, just for this >moment. With a smile, she came close to Keiichi, and gave him a >passionate kiss. (Crow makes gruesome kissing noises, sounding like the attack of an invertebrate.) >She felt Keiichi's passions just as firmly, as the kiss deepened. Allegra: Oh, I'll just BET she did... >And the two of them stood there, for a long time, just kissing, and >finally expressing their love for each other. Mike: Holy cow, they ARE going to do it on the kitchen table! Crow: Told ya. Tom: Hey, that's the end! Mike: It is? Hey, it is! All right! Allegra: But...but...no payoff? No bodice-rippin' romance? HUH? WHERE'S THE FRIGGING REST OF IT! Mike: You want to watch the rest of this? Allegra: Damn skip! I had to suffer through this part, and I want satisfaction! I want to know my six bucks were worth it! Crow: You didn't pay anything. Allegra: I DON'T CARE! Mike: Let's get out of here. (Door sequence. Allegra rants and raves all the way.) (Well? What are you staring at? Go on to part two, dummy!)